Is Anyone Listening? Part1

I didn't know how to start this entry off. I had been meaning to write several in the interim period but lost the password. There is so much to share with so many characters, letters, words to express it in. So this might be a long post. I will split into two post this being the more positive spin.

This is the end of 2012 now and 2013 should bring new times, new start, and new beginnings. Let's start with the good. I have become more open and more communicative as a person. Yes indeed. The fear of accepting and being who I am is started to finally wear off as I accept and come into my own. I am a gay black male. I don't necessarily need to flaunt it or be flamboyant about it but it is who I am. At one point, I have to admit I was totally not proud of it and ashamed as to completely hide me. I still am a work in progress. I came out to one of my co workers whom I hadnt quite defined as a friend. I sat down and instead of being on the defense of hiding myself I decided to do the opposite and face it head on. I told him to ask what he been wanting to ask me........speak your mind. I felt that some co workers were causing me to be uncomfortable, you know, always trying to hook you up with a woman....checking your facebook statuses, questioning why your single. Just gets annoying after a while and feels like your hiding self, running from people, and just not really living life or enjoying life how it is meant to be enjoyed. The conversation went quite well and even though I know this individual does not quite understand the lifestyle and struggles especially as a black gay male, it allowed me to yet open up to an individual and allow them to like me for me not for a face or a persona that I was putting up. I want to be liked for me and accepted for being myself not what society or what my moms or anyone wants or expects me to be.

Another good thing that happened this year is that I finally made it into the career path that I wanted to be in for over three years. Again, I allowed people to dictate what I should do with my career at work and tell me how I should not and how I would be going backwards somewhat. I am not in project management! I was a developer for 6 years but that is not fully the type of work that was being asked of me. I did development, mentored many, and managed projects. I spoke to customers on daily and did presentations to either influence and/or persuade specific outcomes in my favor. Now I get to be in a role that allows me to do this going forward. It is part of the master plan of getting an MBA and going into management eventually as soon as I gain direct skills in this career path official. No more pseudo developer / project manager.

Before I start on the next post that will be more heartfelt and deep, I will say this has been an interesting year. From the beginning to the very end. I cannot look at this year as a loss for me because I am still here and I feel that in a sense despite all that I went through, all that I dealt with, I feel that I still have grown. I still had wins. The career, the learning about myself and becoming a stronger individual, the communication to my co workers or coming out, and moreso managing and dealing with family stress. Family is still big to me as it always will be but I have to form my own family and my own positive environment. That will be my next focus. Now I will take a deep dive into the opportunistic parts of my life in the follow up post.

Passion or Patience

Just real quick. Sometimes I feel so anxious. I wish someone could relate and just let me know that it is just patience that I need to keep moving! I sometimes feel alone in myself because sexually I am yearning for that passion and love making to get me through. No sex is not the main feature of a relationship but it is an aspect or component to show another individual how much you care and adore them. It is a moment to share not on your body but your soul. Emotions come out in ways that are unparalleled to other encounters outside of the bedroom. I so miss that feeling and sometimes feel empty in it, but it is patience that working on. I just feel there is so much I have to offer and just want to openly be able to share myself in that respect. Is that too much? Am I wrong for feeling that? I don't believe so. Can sex overcome love or love overcome sex or is there a balance?

How I long for the passion? The flirtatious vibe that it is about to go down. The moments unexpected to be whisked away by passion and by love in its greatest form. Hopeless romantic? Nah. What do you do when everything else is balanced and one thing is lacking? Sometimes I become so confused because to be in love and to have everything else in place is there always suppose to be that one thing left to work on? But it is patience, patience overcomes sex. Love conquers all. I know it does. It just has too.

Sometimes I watch movies, programs, sitcoms, and see public affection. How should I feel? I wish sometimes I could be that person getting the sexual attention, the flirtatious eyes, the passionate kiss, and grope to follow. Led into the bedroom with candles and soft music playing and not fucked with but made love to in all the ways that can be thought of. The ideal scenario in the most subtle way. I do not feel there is nothing wrong with hoping, wanting, and wishing. But for right now I will be patient.

Dusting Off the Blog with Another Sad Love Song

So I am writing this post as I return to the blogging world to let out my freedom of speech. Right now so many things have happened in since the last post that I am surprised that I am even still sitting here able to type.

Well, yet again since the last time when I thought I had reached a point of where things were turning around. I was let down yet again by a person that shall remain unnamed. However, it hurt me to find out the things I did. How can you claim to say you care and love someone......claim to protect and be there.....yet you are the person that does more damage than anything that could have been imagined.

Yep, yet again, love has played me for the fool that I seem to have trended to become. No, but truthfully I put myself out there for yet another to have the desire of having those feelings completely reciprocated. But I found out that the 2 years were nothing but lies and deceit. To have not only been cheating on, but cheating on from day one. Used to the degree that I was depleted emotionally, financially, and partially mentally. I never seen it coming. I was blinded by what I thought love could provide which was the nurturing comfort, the warm embrace, the honest truth of words, the realness and sincerity that I thought was there was the mask for all the lies, pain that I would see, and the hurt and tears that I would have to face. Even though that chapter has come and gone, not even a truly sincere apology or full truth for the matter has surfaced. Just another emotional scar to add to the rest in my past.

I would have to say that no one prepared me for anything like this. I was never guided to know that people could be so cruel or so mean to you. To be kindhearted in this world is like throwing a nice piece of meat to a pack of wolves. People are ready to take what they can from you not to even care about the long term damage or how something can really affect someone.

I am fine now, but so aware and conscious of my surrounding. I am so guarded by people and things. I just don't think I can deal with another sad love song.