Love Under New Management?

This will be short and sweet. I had a great weekend visiting a new place I had never been to before which was Springfield Missouri with one of my homeboys. We went to the mall, did some shopping, out to eat and hit up a bar. In the midst of hanging out with my homeboy, I had someone else on the brain. I started to come to a realization that I am starting to really fall for the person that I am dating without constraints or pressure. Even though we are long distance right now, we have already discussed future plans to mitigate the distance! Also, we have things mapped out through November!

It is a great feeling to be able to miss someone. When you are out and about and to think about "would they like this" or "would they wear this" or "wow they would love this". It puts a smile on my face when I hear from them and the times that they can't be reached, I just wonder if they are okay. The best thing about it all is that it is a great feeling overall.

I feel overwhelmed in a good way by the feelings at times. I guess ultimately love is under a new management for me. For that I am happy........

and feel that.....I can love again.....

Truth Moment

This one will be shorter than most, but over the past couple months I have not felt better. At one point, I felt like I was at my lowest low. Yes wearing the smile on my face constantly hides the hurt and pain I feel BUT lately things have been going so well.

First, I took the step to take control of things that I could control. Having sleeping problems was not an option no more. I did not want to accept sleep apnea and I decided to try to become more stress free. Along with that, I decided to also get more fit for myself. Having but the focus on doing such, I have changed my eating habits and started hitting the gym more. I have dropped a lot of weight and feel more energetic. This is great as I feel better about myself and just an overall good feeling.

I also have developed strong bonds and friendships. At one point, I had become disconnected from a lot of people due to the previous relationships. Since then, I have networked with people and have not been afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone of meeting new people and allowing people to know me for me without feeling I had to be something I was not or become prejudged. It feels good to be able to laugh and talk to people when you need a pick me up. It has made my days go faster better and has become a sense of belonging or family to me.

In addition, I have met someone that has become much more than a friend. It has been a slow process but it appears it has crept up on me. I have gotten to know an individual that actually accepts me for me flaws and all and shows me love that I have not experienced before. It is amazing how this person makes me feel as if I am being truly accepted for me as I am. I am still allowed to be me....video game loving...street clothes wearing....preppy and geeky at times...hip hop and r&b loving....foul mouth...HGTV watching....partially loner being....always travelling....goofy ..and highly sexual self. I truly love this person for allowing me to be me and in turn they have shown me love back. I just pray that it continues to grow into something more as dating has now become a lot more interesting. I have never stepped out there like I have now, but in addition....I have never taken my time as went as slow and cautious as I am now. Thing about it is that there is no pressure. I really don't want to make a mistake or experience a fucked up situation again. Hence, I want to be sure I know this person for them. I know there is a lot of love inside of me waiting to get out and this person will be very lucky to be able to experience true love as I am in hopes of being able to experience it in its most pure form. We are dating now and I am very happy. I never really reflected on it but it has given me the drive as motivation to continue to be better and for that I am thankful for them.

So this is my truth moment. I am now going to lay it down and reflect on where I am now as I really do feel happy! Good night!

Who Me?

I have had an interesting past couple of weeks. I can say that I have travelled to Houston and back to see my good friends. I took a random trip to Atlanta and back to hang with my friends there as well. I just been on the go. Since having been on the go someone has really shown an interest in me. Let's not say one ....but to keep it real.....I have made myself available to where people like me for me.

Let me repeat. I have begun to open up and allow people to actually like or love me for me. I am still working on opening myself up but it is a great feeling. Accept me for me or keep it moving right? Well there is one person that has shown interest in me and it feels nice to be mutual and not forced. It also feels good to not be pushed pressured for feel the need to have to be in a relationship or have to be directly put a label on something right off the back.

What happened to dating in 2013? What happened to getting to know someone and learning about them before establishing a relationship? What happened to courting and hanging out to work on being in tune with someone. I think an issue I had before was that I felt I had to be with someone or needed to be. Hell at times I felt pressured to be with someone for even if I wasn't ready but I felt that you might lose them. However I learned if it is meant to be it will be. I will never be put in a place where I feel trapped in something that I don't feel right or feel obligated to be in. Nor will I put my friends to the wayside to place a relationship in the forefront of everything. Don't get me wrong whomever I decide to go forward with will be important, but I realize there is still a balance that has to happen. Your true friends will understand and respect your relationship, but also you need to still respect the friendship? Make sense?

Well a mistake of mine is in past relationship, I strayed away from friends. Some I needed to drop because they were not adding value to my life but some I brushed off due to my relationship which I put first but allowed to be the only thing in my life. Then it became a complete dependency that shouldn't have been. I have learned that relationships should enhance your life not remove things from it. A healthy relationship allows you to grow.... "both" of you to grow together. It encompasses trust, honesty, and communication. It also allows you to still be nurtured as that individual but also allows you to share with one another. You shouldn't have to push your friends or family away. I did this and it was horrible. You should still be able to spend time with those love ones either with or without your other half being around in which there should be a trust factor there.

See I feel that transparency is the key. If you keep and open and honest line of communication and make sure you mean what you say and say what  you mean ....half the battle is won. Know what you want, know your worth, and if something doesn't please you speak on it and don't let it fester. Always be respectful and mindful of others opinion even loved ones. Not everything you have to agree on to understand and respect those ideals, ideas, and opinions goes a long way.

My current thought is that I want to really get to know someone before I jump and commit. Meaning being honest to what I feel and what I want and desire from a person. Also, learning what triggers a person various emotions, seeing the good and the bad, and sharing those memorable moments are what begins to count. It is the factor that helps make the decision of "is this situation for me?" "can I handle and do I feel I mesh with this person?"

You have to wonder though when getting to know someone are they truly doing what it takes to keep up with you......better yet keep you engaged? For me, I need to feel engaged in a person. You cannot do the same thing over and over and expect me to remain in tune with you. You have to be creative and find new ways to communicate, new ways to grow, new ways to become in tune, new ways to create memorable moments, which all equals to keeping things fresh and new. Not all times will be happy times or upbeat, but thing should overall keep getting better and better and if it isn't then what is really going on? Has someone became complacent or do the person really understands what drives you? Does the person really knows what brings out the best in you or what makes you happy and can they do this on a consistent basis?

Well I will close this to say that I hope that of all the people I have encountered that this one particular soul understands what it takes to really know me. Also, for me to be accountable that I understand what it takes to really know this individual. I have been tired of investing in someone that is not willing to invest in me, but sometimes you have to take risks and leap. I guess I say all this to say that I am taking it slow, but I know it will pay off in the end because either it will be the result of realizing this person is not the one for me to take as a lesson learned or I will realize this person was meant for me and will continue to grow. There are so many things going on in my life right now, but I will not allow any negativity to come over me anymore if I can help it. I will take control of the situations that I can control. I feel I am in a good place......and to say ....for years I felt invisible. No one really recognized me or knew me for me. So to say back to the world "who me?". Are you really seeing me and noticing me for who I am? I have enclosed myself around great positive friends that I enjoy. Friends from ATL to Houston to the depths of Kentucky to ST Louis and other places that have remained and seen the true me for who I am and love me for me without judgment. I guess the one questions is can Louisiana see me for who I truly am as I see them? Can Louisiana show me love. Can Louisiana keep it as fresh and dynamic? Only time will tell as I love to travel.

Ok I am tired and going to bed. Yes I am still writing and sharing my thoughts. Hope this was helpful to someone and would not mind getting feedback from any other bloggers.

Where Am I Now?

It has definitely been a minute and I am in a good place. I have so much embraced who I am and what defines me. I am not perfect by any means but I am okay with who I am now. Each day is a step further in the right direction. Even though at times I feel like I am taking a step back, it actually is a life lesson to a step forward.

One thing is that I have developed a circle of people that I enjoy hanging around and embrace me and enjoy me as well. I have been travelling again and even done some spontaneous travelling which has been good for me to unwind from the long days of work. I went to a graduation for a very good friend of mine and it was great to see people doing great things with their life. He now has his first corporate job. I made connections with other people in Houston which made me feel special, wanted, and like I was actually apart of something. Houston definitely left an impact on me and was one of the highlights of this year.

Another highlight is the trip to Atlanta that I made just this past weekend. It was very refreshing on a couple of different levels. One there is a friend that never got to experience the "lifestyle" and had formed their own opinion and fled away from it. He was then forced, well coached into this past weekend and now has a different outlook on the lifestyle and now is motivated to get the body right and go out more. I think he really just need some close friends that are really to pay attention and spend time but it was refreshing how one can change a persons outlook on life or on an aspect of life.

In addition, to changing an aspect, I had a blast. I spent time with my play brother and our mutual friends as we rolled deep this weekend. I went to a card party, went to clubs, went to the mall, and just did it up in safe fun. It was a great time. The thing about this trip is that it was not planned which actually made it more exciting. I just randomly put the clothes in my car and just made a decision to go hang out. I much needed it though.

As far as people, I feel that I have made much headway in making connections with people. I have become more open with myself in saying this is me, love me or hate me I will be okay.

I am becoming open and ready to clean the slate to embrace what is yet to come. I have come so far from this blog, 2007 to current, as the journey still continues. I am becoming ready for love and what it has to offer so I can reciprocate its offering. I just want to remain blessed and have my blessings increase. Thank you for continuing to read my blog whoever you are as the dark days are coming to end as more sunny days are coming through.

Late Night Thought

What is on my heart right now?

As I begin to put things in perspective, things have changed from what they were back in the day. It is amazing how I can read articles of men having committment ceremonies and getting married. This day and age has changed from the closed minds 10 years ago. No one would have thought how same sex marriage would be accepted in todays society as many different states and areas begin to make breakthroughs.

I hope one day that I can come across my soulmate. As I listen to some music and type what is on my heart and mind, I hope my thoughts, words, emotions reach someone out there and touch them. I reviewed some of my previous blog posts and even though there are some rough things I have written and most are deep feelings, I feel that this has really helped me express myself. In addition, I feel I have very much progressed from the past pain and hurt that I have experienced.

One thing no one truly realizes is that I am truly ready for love. I never want to have to beg, plead, or cry for it but to experience it how it is suppose to be experienced. Actions speak louder than words is what I am on now and I just want accept anything or settle for something I do not feel is right for me. I have poured a lot of myself into previous situations and have began to run on empty but I know someone will fill me back up. Bring life back to my spirit in everyway without me having to say "I need", "I want", "Can you..." or anything. I will embrace this feeling with all that I have.

I will live for today and for me and not for no one else. I am starting to share more, be more open to different things, open to different people as I come into my own. I no longer will live in the fear of how people judge me or view me because of my orientation, what I like, or what/who people expect me to be. I am flawed and I am not perfect, but I know in someone's eyes I will be perfect for them. As I sit here now, filled with emotion and left with my own thoughts, I feel I am becoming the person I was made to be. I can see and feel the transformation based upon experiences and growth. Reading back from 2007, a young man that was afraid to speak his mind.... mentally abused and manipulated by family, failed relationships of physical emotional and mental abuse....but I am still here and still focused. I have a house, a career, and rebuilding a positive friend network with people that actually have an interest in my well-being. I have come a long ways and I do recognize this.

As I am slowly entering myself into the dating pool again, I hope to eventually get that spark...you know that feeling  you get when you have met your match. Your soulmate. Mostly and usually it is not something you can always explain but you feel in your heart when you encounter them. For now I will keep my eyes open as I still make my way through this journey of life. My career is on point, my finances are coming together, my friendships although small are coming together. Only thing that would be nice would be someone to share it with. Someone that will make time for me and show me that I am important or as much of a priority to them as I would value and make them to myself. Show me your genuine true self!

Goodnight!

P.S. if there are any ghost readers out there.......it is okay to respond to my posts.... =)

Moment in Time

"If I could make time stand still, then I know we'd live this moment forever"

There have been many times that I thought that I could make time stand still. There have been many moments in my life where I wish I could stay in it forever. But time goes on. Things go forward and not backwards. That is one thing that I have to realize in this thing called life. I am not going to lie cause I get frustrated at the many ways that I had been treated in the past, but who am I to blame as when it comes to it I had a part to play. I accepted things that I should not have accepted, I allowed things that I should not have allowed, and in it all I become at fault as well. I became reflective again today and felt compelled to spill out thoughts in hopes of one day being appreciated and understood. But I guess I need to ask my self do I appreciate and understand myself?

and the answer.....

Of course I do! I do love myself and even though long ago I had low self esteem because of things that my family had put in my head, I know that I am a good attractive young man. Lately, I have been opening myself up to be appreciated, complimented, and approaching life different. It has been quite a journey. However, in the journey, I have realized the key is to truly learn from your experiences and you dont have to change your ideals and what you stand for. An ex of mines had apologized to me because they knew a lot of what they had done was wrong and it really screwed with me for a while. But the thing that really sunk in was that they said that I was a very attractive guy that has a lot going for them and one day I will not have to beg to be loved, cry for love, ask if someone loves me, because someone will show me those things without having to think and in return I will be able to provide them back. No longer will I shed tears for understand, to be heard, but in loving myself and being comfortable with being with myself and being patient......someone will come. Until then I will focus on those lost friendships that have a positive effect on life. I will focus on my career and my well-being to ensure that I am going forward in my life and not in the past. It is okay sometimes to cry and shed a tear for where you've been or what you have overcome. It should motivate you to move forward and appreciate where you are and where you desire to go or are going.

I can say that after where I have been and what all I have been through with each encounter being differrent than the last....I appreciate where I am right now. Even though I don't always understand why things happen, they all happen for a reason and I am prepared for the next obstacle, encounter, or "thing". I sit here in this moment and time and thing, "damn, I have come a long ways". I will be that diamond in the rough. Someone will get it one day.

Short but Sweet

I think lately there has started to become a shift in things as they pertain to myself. I have went through the rough times and perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. It has started with my career which I have started a new role that I really love. I mean there is a lot to it but it keeps me busy at work and on my toes.

As far as circle of friends, I have been rotating them in and out so to speak. I mean some people I have cut of purposely as they were not adding value to my life and some people have been re-established as I pushed people away when I was going through my stressful times. One thing I can say is that I have strengthened some relationships based on feedback of me needing to open up more to people. Also, allowing people to know more about who "David" is even if some of it left me a little bit vulnerable.

I feel lately I have been able to try to adjust to the changes in my life and start to travel again. Along the way I have been privileged to meet many new people that are playing a role in my life as new acquaintances and potential new friends. I think as far as love interest, I still have a long time before I should even desire someone to get close to me. Not because I am not ready but because I need time to breathe. Dating is possible, but relationship at this time is not site. I will still be me and never lose my values, but I also will allow someone to show me their true self and if they are really into me then they will put in the time and effort to date and know me....Even if for 2 years j/k.

It was Valentines Day and it appears to have been a regular day, but truthful everyday should be Valentines Day not just one day to go overboard to show someone you love them. Hopefully one day I will be able to again show someone unconditional love and receive it back.

On that note I am going to bed. Good ghost readers!

Is Anyone Listening? Part 2

Here goes with the part 2. My feelings right now are so mixed. My relationship ended a while back. So lets briefly recap this year as far as how I got to this point.

Entered a relationship in the February time frame. Yes it was someone that I felt that could have possibly been a soulmate. Friends for a while and something that was tried a few years previous. I thought we had grown and had more of an understanding of each other. Everything did feel right and maybe it went faster than expected to go from one relationship to enter dating and another one but don't judge me. I usually act on my heart and try to act on gut than anything else. I refuse to change how I feel and also to stop being the heart felt person and generous person just because of a bad apple or experience.

Nonetheless, we dated and started to become reacquainted. Everything started to feel right. We went places, we exchanged gifts, we kissed, we held and we would make out. The reason this had ended previously was because the person didnt have time or I felt like the person did not have time for me. The job seemed to take priority over the relationship in my eyes and to me action speaks volumes as opposed to saying words all the time. So in this relationship there seemed to be a lot of lingering issues formed from things that did not need to be. One being a trust issue that needed to be dealt with and resentment from a failed relationship in the past. I guess maybe I should have took those as signs of what was yet to come. I have never been in a relationship where there was a lack of intimacy or a sexless relationship. I always wondered if it was me, my gut tells me it was partially me. Why was it so, because as much as two people can say they love each other, does not necessarily mean they are meant to be together is what I have learned from this. For me and just for me, a relationship has to have a balance of the emotional, mental, physical, and sexual. If one of those are not being met then it becomes a problem. A need is not being met. In this relationship it started off as a sexual issue. The person I was with could not have sex with me. I was not excitable enough to make things happen. Let's dig deeper. If a person, really wants to make you happy and see you feeling down.... then they will do what it takes to fix the situation. They will not watch you suffer internally. I am not saying that this individual watched me suffer on person, but I thought it was something I could deal with with a smile. I thought it would be temporary. Now if you have been keeping up in my blog from the start you will see there has been some struggles I have dealt with regarding neglect, abandoned, and just with people not understanding the needs of myself. Now I am not going to say I am a saint and perfect by any means, but if I know that something is bothering someone or that I am not meeting the needs of someone....I will do what it takes to fix that and make the sacrifices to correct that situation as I would expect the same. I feel like I was sexually deprived and in a relationship that lacked intimacy from the point that I was not enough to make this person see me as important to fix and address the situation. Now I know sometimes people deal with things at their own time but when you are in a relationship, what affects you affects the BOTH of you. I was truly affect by the lack of intimacy. I did not feel important because there was not a push to change. I just am use to when people say they are affected by ones action or something is bothering them, that someone would listen and make the change to fix the situation. Maybe not fix but acknowledge and start a plan to remedy the situation. You know if a baby cries and you never see what the matter is, the baby will continue to cry and grow up feeling neglected because they were never tended to. I felt like I wasnt being heard. Like I waved my hand in the air saying I need you I need this aspect of you, but was being ignored. I just wanted to be a team and if there is a medical issue lets tackle it, if it is something that I need to do differently, tell me what that is and I can fix it. Instead it was a struggle trying to get to root and to this day I will never know what the root is.

Let's delve deeper into my thoughts regarding this. You have two people that love one another and have no problem verbally expressing this. However, in an intimte setting, there is not much expression of love. There is hugging and holding at night. What went from masterbation with one another went to just waking up and going to work and coming home hugging and sitting on the couch or cooking and then the day rinse and repeat. No love making at night. The attempts I made to do so were rejected by not feeling it, tired, or its too early in the morning. I felt rejected at that point. Why should I continue to try if I keep being pushed away. But what or how should you feel if the person was flirting with other indivuduals or masterbating without you being around. Looking at flicks to gain self pleasure instead of pleasing their partner. What was the driving force that allowed this individual to get excited to watching men have sex or the thrill of talking to someone that is not even in reach when you had someone right there in the same house that wanted to provide and give you the same type of love sexually. I didn't understand it because it didnt make sense. I could only base my conclusions off things I visually seen and by action. There was not an explainable reason and when I opened up and asked I always got "it isnt me, it isnt always about me". True enough but then what was it about. If you know it isnt me or about me then how do you know if you cant even explain your actions or behavior or why you do the things you do? Well, I tried to communicate and come up with things or ways to address the situation such as seeking a doctor, medicine, therapy. However, at the very beginning I received so much flack and resistance for being caring as if I was expecting to get person gain or happiness by this. I thought that if two people love each other and one person is not receiving the needs of the other, that you are suppose to voice those needs and respond and act. I thought as a team we would make better by talking to a doctor, but I came off forceful by pushing the issue of seeking a doctor.I will admit I was wrong for calling the doctor and having them run addition tests. There are a lot of things I could have approached differently but when you feel that you are being deprived of things that should be natural or you deserve sometimes you just want things to be in motion or addressed. I felt things were being avoided to make the situation comfortable but I was not. I was feeling sexually deprived afterwhile. Things that was found out that it was partially medically as levels were low. Along with that there were other things health wise such as blood pressure and diabetes that was not under control. You would think that if things like this were being said then it would not be a question of getting these things in check to better the relationship, but things actually went in the opposite direction. Things were being left unaddressed due to their job which they began to excel in. There just appeared to be as if we started to become on two different planes. One relationship driven and the other career driven.

I will never get or understand what the underlying force was that caused such a big drift in the relationship but there may be things that I will never understand. But I do understand this, I am not sure if there really is a true blame to why or what caused things to end like they did. I can say that I still care and however it is hard to look and deal with this individual due to feelings but I am accepting. I am not mad at the outcome of the situation, but I will I coulduve read the signs earlier for myself. I feel like I deprived myself from basic needs that I should have had consistently. You should never have to continually ask for needs to be met and even if you make clear that "this is what I need" and the person cannot fulfill them then it does not necessarily mean that that person is a bad person but that person may not be compatible with you to understand how to meet your needs. It is not rocket science. It is a connection that should be established that if a person is crying for you, you will find out what is wrong and make them smile again. If intimacy is an issue, then something will be done to correct that. More kissing, more holding, more romancing, taking that extra step to address and make you feel important and number one. I understand that when you truly find that one that you truly are in love with, you do things that you would not normally do. You step out of the comfort zone not feeling forced but because you aim to please that individual. Things are not done by force but out of love. There never becomes a question of "do you love me" or "do you still care about me" because it becomes evident through not only words but the actions of the individual and the heart. You never have to second guess a persons love because it will show and be there in actions. You never should feel like your second or third to anything because you begin to become a priority once that bond is formed. It is a bond that cannot be broken when it becomes so heart tight and locked. I see and understand this now. I have said previously, people are put in your life for a reason and not always mean to be therefore forever. Some a season, some a month, some a year, and some just a little while. This is to learn the lessons of life to be equiped to move forward. And even though somtimes it may be hard to understand this concept of life and why some people are put there, it is something you have to quickly learn and adapt else you end up in complicated situations that are unnecessary emotional, mentally, and unfortunately physically.

I am learning that there is no blame to why the situation ended how it did, but we were two people who cared about each other but were at two different places in their life and defined relationships in two different ways. Not wrong but that person was not for me or not the person to meet my needs or could understand how to meet my needs and I was not the person that could make them treat me how I needed to be treated. We will learn for this and eventually run into that person that makes us feel special. Make us feel rejuvenated and brand new, Make us feel how we want to feel and treat us how we want to be treated. My needs will be met without having to beg and cry for it. I love myself and I am sure someone out there will see my heart and love me as well the way I need to be loved in such a relationship. I am also sure that I will run across someone that I will touch and make feel like they have never felt before. I am being hopeful, trying to remain prayerful, and being positive. In it all, I hope someone is listening.