Journey of an Enigmatic Soulchild

Let Me Be My Motivation

2011-07-10T21:37:00.004-05:00

GO GO GO GO.....

Yep, I still write when I can. Is there an app on the iPhone to do this on the go?

Anyways, all is okay. I would say "well", but I have run into some things I would like to do. One main goal is to get my "happy" back. Lately, I have been up and down due to different frustrations. One thing I am trying to do is try to find another job in my line of work, IT. I think I have gained enough knowledge in my current job to take things to the next level. I want to venture out and do something a little different.

Another thing I am entertaining is moving to a different location. I am a city boy and from up North. I seen what the South has had to offer. Even though it is not a bad place, and a nice area for family living.....I just would rather be in an established metropolitan area since I do not have a family yet.

I have also been working on wrapping up a masters degree and also trying to study for a PMP (project management professional) test to get my certification in that area.

I think maybe I have too many focuses at once and since I am trying to accomplish all....I am experiencing frustration. I really have been shooting for a new job but I haven't been provided yet with a good offer. I know my resumes are on point since I do have two as well. I don't know I am starting to think maybe I am focusing on the right thing or is this a test of patience?

Things at work have been stressful but by no means am I just sitting back letting things fall. I have been proactive in getting things to happen and making things happen. I been internally interviewing with people and making new connections in order to change my situation.

I had always been told to "either change my situation or change my situation". Makes sense when you look into what that means. So I have been on my grind, but I am trying to remain prayerful for change. It is so hard when more than enough things are happening around you that you can't quite control. I am trying to stay strong but I need some motivation.

It Has Been A While ...

2011-06-13T01:21:00.002-05:00

Well, it has been a while since I wrote in this thing. Wow so many thoughts and things to share and to catch up with. I am not sure where to start......

So how am I feeling right now? I don't know. I feel a little bothered, a little worried, a little anxious. What does that really mean? I am a little bothered because I waited for a phone call from someone for over an hour, but did not get until late. I then bothered because I do not have any plans for 4th of July and I have time off work and switched my pager week.....but it was almost pointless. Then anxious from what I am trying to accomplish lately. I am trying to change my career, change my location, and upgrade my education. I guess all of it you can call an upgrade.

Over the past couple days.....or rather the past couple weeks.....if I can get to the point where I am a little bit more selfish and less caring towards people, I would be a little bit better off. Just a thought. I think over the next couple of days I probably will do it and let it be known the results.

As the Weather Changes

2010-10-30T09:11:00.002-05:00

Well its the morning of a cold Saturday. I got the heat pumping......listening to Ron Isley and Lauryn Hill's rendition of "Close to You". I don't know that is just how I decided to start my morning off with. It is a nice remake of it though.

What are my plans for the day? Probably wash my car, clean my house, and chill. The weather is changing and its actually nice to look outside and see the leaves changing colors and instead of smelling heat from the melted tar on the concrete, you smell the crisp brisk cold air. Winter is near. Almost time to prepare for Holiday shopping. What are your plans for today? What are your plans for the holidays?

I might post something later but this was my subtle way of saying "Hello......good morning"!

How Does It Feel?

2010-10-18T19:40:00.005-05:00

Well, today has been rough. I went to work today and it ended up being long of a day. I made it through.

So to follow up with my previous post, I finally met my family on my father's side. It was a great experience seeing so many people with similar features. I felt like I had found my place and belonged somewhere. Unfortunate that most of these people were older than me in my generation. It almost felt like I was an afterthought being the youngest in my generation line. However, I have made a connection with my sisters and a few cousins so that is great.

Yesterday was a bit rough for me. I had begun to put myself out there and open up, but felt a little blown back by a conversation I had with someone I had been talking to. I think I am okay now as we have talked it out, but still have thoughts. Am I doing something wrong, is this right, or should I step back.

I will just say a simple prayer about it and let it go. All in all, today was an okay day.

By the way, I am in the process of reading a bunch of books via my Nook. Any suggestions?

New Beginnings ..... Wait Again?

2010-08-02T23:34:00.002-05:00

I have been missing yet once again. However, when I go on my hiatus....I always come back new and improved. I have experienced a lot in the time that I have been gone, but I have finally found my family after all this time right? I think I finally will see where I come from, where I fit in, and why my father hid all these people from me. The family reunion is in September so I am looking forward to that.

As far as my job and my current location.....I think it is time to move on to bigger and better things. I am always constantly trying to become better and grow. I've gained a house, a new car, and made a few new acquaintances along the way. It has definitely been an exciting year, but I am going to start putting my resume out there and see what grabs. I know that I am WAYYYYY more marketable now than I was years ago since gaining all my new found knowledge and experiences.

Well there is more that I would like to add, but for now this will suffice. Goodnight !

Reborn Again in 2010

2010-02-01T23:34:00.002-06:00

Maybe the title should be my new slogan for 2010. I haven't wrote anything in a long ass time, but here I am. So much had happened to clear out 2009 and make way for 2010. I finally found my family on my Dad side. Two sisters and a brother I found along with a slew of new family members. I got another raise at work ! I bought a house and finally moved out of my uncomfortable "situation". I put a handle on myself being diabetic and now have more control over it after having found out in the beginning of 2009. I want to live more in 2010. I want to be better as well and just enjoy life.

I do have a lot on my mind. But I will open up this new entry on a good note.

New Year New Situations

2009-01-18T14:24:00.003-06:00

So wow, I haven't updated since last year and thought I should stay in touch at least. I just got a raise at my job and in this economy.....that is a blessing. "My President is Black" is another thing that has happened since last year and whether that is a good thing or bad thing remains to be seen. However, perhaps any type of change will be better than what we currently have going on.

I currently have been dating someone new and that has been going well, really well. This person keeps me going, positive, and motivated. We have our ups and downs, but that is normal. I really appreciate this person and gives me hope that 2009 will be a good year despite its start.

On another note, I guess all the stress of 2008 and even the past caught up to me for I had been diagnosed with being diabetic. I had symptoms of being tired, thirsty, and having to piss every 45 minutes. Well after going to the doctor, my sugar level was in coma range and I coulduve been on the floor somewhere instantly. So now I have a needle that I have to use daily. Not how I imagined 2009 to start, but I have been learning to deal. So I was already exercising daily, but I have to change eating habits as far as eliminating certain things from what I eat. Not only did they find that they also found out that I have high blood pressure. Not only that, they found out that I have some sort of thyroid something which can lead to weight gain and other nervious system issues if not caught early. I have always been exercising and have not gained anything but just being tired, exhausted after work, easily frustrated or irritated has been what I experienced. Nonetheless, it was like one thing after another and it so weird cause it all came out of the blue. I had been to the doctor many times previous, and blood pressure was in check, sugar levels were normal, and everything. Seem like it all got shot 2 weeks ago.

Emotionally, I have been up and down cause there are so many things I have to do now to make sure that I am in check. The thing that keeps me going is that I have a small circle of people that keep me going everyday. Even though most are scattered through the world right now, I have at least my dude that I am with that keeps me motivated and going daily. I have now my moms, even as mixed up as she can be at times staying on me to make sure I am okay. I also have my roommate as well making sure things are cool. In one doctor visit it was hard for me to swallow all the news at one time.

I just am glad to be alive another year at least to be able to see another day. I try to appreciate every day as it comes and I appreciate the people that have come into my life in a positive way. I feel this year will be full of changes and surprises as they have already come to me. But I am ready to deal with them as they come to become that better and stronger me in 2009.

When It Rains It Pours.....

2008-11-18T00:50:00.002-06:00

The saying when it rains it pours comes to mind. Why? Cause just when you think things cannot get worse, they do !

So I have been M.I.A. on blogger, but I have to check in every now and again. So as of 9-16-08, I had become the proud owner of a new Honda Accord 08 as a birthday gift to me. However, this past weekend an animal ran into my car(yes and animal and yes it ran into me). Therefore, it broke the bumper in two and part of the bumper is hanging off the car.

Okay, so did the animal live? Yes, whatever it was walked away. Were you hurt? No I was not hurt, but my feelings were. Oh boy, I was so upset it was crazy ! So lets overview the chain of events leading up to this event.

Had a week at work. I work in IT and had the pager which went off several times in the middle of the night. Fine, Friday came and I planned on enjoying the weekend, but had a severe headache which kept me in my bed. Saturday, I thought I would fight the headache and leave the house when WHAM ! Animal.......bumper.....car.....yeah basically. Which leads me back to today. So in this economy, you cant afford to have insurance going up on a brotha. Sunday was chill and then here comes Monday.

Monday become the mission to figure out how Malachi was going to get fixed(yeah I named my car and what?). I went to a couple body shops and the dealership. They gave me basically an estimate of 1000 dollars when it was all said and done. OH SHIT! I was very upset at this point. I called the insurance filed the claim after running around all day and just decided to take car of business. Have no choice but to suck it up right?

Well, I planned on going home for Thanksgiving, but this incident puts a real damper on my plans. Then on top of that, I planned on doing something special for someone, but that did not fall through at all. Money became a major issue and I am still trying to figure it all out as we speak on how to still make things happen.

When it rains it pours. But when there is a storm, there is surely a rainbow to follow......right?

The After Party

2008-09-16T00:39:00.002-05:00

My birthday was yesterday and I am now 27! I don't feel old, but man 27 years. I never thought that I would get to this point. It seem only yesterday I was in high school in the lunch room trying to figure out when I was going to get my diploma. Only yesterday when I was wondering during registration at an HBCU, when I was going to ever get my degree. Only yesterday when I wondering when I would move into my own place and do my own thing. Man I wish I could relive some of those days.

But I can actually say my birthday was great. Even though I did go ahead and go to work and my birthday landed on a Monday......it was cool. Many friends called me and wished me a happy birthday along with people I hadn't talked to in a long time. It was a good day. The people that mattered were the people I talked to.

At work, they got me a card and embarrassed me by singing happy birthday to me which was crazy. Well, I am going to keep this post short.

So I guess for this weekend, maybe I am going to treat myself by going out or something perhaps? Haven't done so in ages..........but just something to celebrate my happiness.

In the Middle of the Night......

2008-09-07T03:10:00.003-05:00

In the middle of the night, I have awakened and decided to write in my blog. Really what's on my mind ? Nothing really.......

Well.....

People come into your life for a reason right? Whether it is for a long while, a week, a day, or just a change of the season......people come and go. It is true though and I am really getting to understand that life always comes with many lessons that are learned. I see that I have more control over what I decide to tolerate and decide not to tolerate. Random as it seems, being single for a couple weeks now has been rough, but an interesting experience. Every now and then I get in the slump of "damn I'm single now....what do I do?" Then, I also realize it gives me time and space for me to think, reflect, and grow.

That's all folks. I just wanted to share just that. I think I am going to lay it down. Good night !

Month of the Virgo

2008-09-02T00:46:00.002-05:00

September, the month of the Virgo. I will be celebrating my birthday September 15th. What does that mean? Probably just another day in which I realize that I am getting older. Do I think that I seen everything and experienced life to the fullest yet? Nope, not even the least bit.

I can say that this year has truly tested me in more ways than one. How it will end, I have no clue. All, I know is that right now I am going through an emotional time in my life where I feel I don't have anyone. I think I have exhausted the use of my friends in a recent situation I had been dealing with that I feel bad even talking to them at times just because.....yup just because. It is about getting to know me again and getting back to focusing on the goals that I had setup for myself. I am so afraid because I was on a journey with someone to live life and achieve goals, yet recently I had to drop them off to go back on my journey alone after years of knowing this person.

I ain't gonna lie to y'all, I still hurt and still cry. But the funny thing is that I been hurt by so many things in the past before that lately when I cry no tears come out. Call it dry eyes, I don't know, but right now I am thinking hard about everything and just feeling so much different shit right now. I know I should be sleep right now for I have to go to work in the morning, but I'd just thought I'd share my current feelings. I need to remember this is my month though. I need to enjoy it. Maybe, I will plan a trip or go somewhere as a present to me. What do you all think I should do?

The Promise of a New Day

2008-08-30T12:30:00.003-05:00

Even though I haven't been true to my readers by randomly leaving, I will attempt to write this quick update. I am currently single not fully by choice, but because it was something that had to be done.

It started as a simple misunderstanding which turned into something more than what it shoulduve been. I will spare the details, but my relationship had always been rocky and on ice as we had communication problems. Also, there was underlying istrust or rather over-controlling ways on his part to me. Maybe it was the fact that this person didn't want me to leave them or rather never wanted to be alone. However, a conversation to explain the wrong-doings turned into something physical as he snapped and hit me in my face/head a couple times. Now I ain't no punk and was ready to kill and fight back, but I couldn't hit someone I cared about. Also, this person just got out of the hospital. Something had just restrained me from swinging back and I am not sure why my reaction was mixed. I had so much anger, shocked, hurt, and just flat out surprised. Is this what we had become? So much built up anger or emotion that just got unleashed at that moment? Thing about that is that they were in the hospital and I was there all that time and everyday and night for weeks and this was how I got repaid. However, I digress from it all and currently trying to move on.

So that is where I currently am. I am getting back to focusing on me and solely me which has not been easy as of lately. So much has been on my mind and the person that I use to lean on and at least talk to in the few instances that I did is not there to talk to anymore and it is by choice. I know that I cannot go backwards and need to move fowards. I have so much going for me to waste time on something like that. My current plans is to actually move pretty soon and relocate at the top of 2009. Now that I have shared this blog post with many, I feel this is the start of a "New Day".

A New Season

2008-06-08T20:31:00.002-05:00

Let me dust off the blog and try to get back to writing ..... not sure if anyone stays tuned anymore but here goes....

As summer approaches full force, the weather gets warm and occasional thunderstorms pass over again and again. However, storms don't last always. I believe there is always a rainbow awaiting to reveal itself after every passing storm. Things have gotten better from my previous blogs and many issues I noted. My relationship seems to be moreso on the positive side than negative lately. Communication has been taking place much more which has made things flow more easily.

As far as family, well still not dependable, but I must admit that I do miss them here and there. I finally was able to get a lead on my long lost brother and sisters. However, I have hesitated to make that phone call. Why? I don't know. What should I say? I mean the phone number is to my brothers daughter. Come to find out that the daughter resents his father which has the same name as I. Funny thing, I went to the same school at the same time with my niece even though she was 4 grades behind me, but never knew that. Amazing huh? Well, I tend to use the number one day to see where it leads me, but who knows.

I also bought a mountain bike. I figure gas is like 4 dollars a gallon, why not ride a bike? But yeah....so I took it on a trail the other day. It was crazy. I mean when I was much younger, I use to take leisure rides up and down the street, around the corner, down several blocks, and then back to the house. Never had I went on a true mountain bike trail. The shit was crazy though, but fun. It was a first for me.

Another thing I did for the first time was go kart riding. It was mad fun. It was a first of mines as well. It was with some people from work in which we raced around the track several times in a go kart and was knocking people out like Mario Kart.

I guess one thing that I would like to now is do some more travelling. Where do I want to go? I don't know.....FL? GA? CA? or maybe overseas? Well, I need to plan well in advance for it. Usually, every year I take a trip somewhere and this year I haven't really taken a vacation trip yet. Anyone got any ideas?

The Beginning of a New Year

2008-01-01T17:25:00.000-06:00

Hopefully everyone has had a nice Christmas and a Happy New Year! I am glad to be alive and breathing for another year!

So many things has happened to close out 2007. I will share my observations as I will keep this post different then the rest of my posts.

I love New York 2 is finally done with her season two reality show and the reunion is suppose to come on a week from today.

The B2K issue has been flying around the Internet as Chris Stokes molesting the members of B2K. I think the whole ordeal is ridiculous, but gossip makes news and currently it's big on the net.

Hopefully, we will see a breakthrough CD from Whitney Houston as it is claimed that she cleaned herself up. Even though as a part of her new freedom from bobby, I don't think Ray J should have been how she got her groove back! Speaking of which..... what's up with Reggie Bush and getting the sloppy seconds of Ray J's?

Alicia Keys made a big come back at the end of 2007. Hopefully, we will hear a lot from her in 2008.

Obama has been surprising us in 2007. I thought it wouldn't happen, but Obama being the first black President is starting to look more realistic as time passes.

Will reality shows take over 2008?

Zune or I-Pod for 2008?

The Wii has been the must have for 2007. However, with myself even owning one, I feel that it is a bit over-rated with only a few titles that actually aren't mini games and worth playing. The Playstation 3 is finally picking up on putting out more game titles as of lately while the XBox 360 has been steady strong in its online service and providing titles that many people like. Wii, Playstation 3, or XBox360 for 2008? (have a Wii and XBOX360)

Well, gimme your thoughts on some of these topics......

What I Need From You Is Understanding?

2007-11-10T14:24:00.000-06:00

So I went through my cd collection and felt that I could temporarily escape the world for a few minutes with none other than Xscape. This is will be the basis around this post. I had another in mind, but felt this was appropriate in my current state of emotion. I'll pour it out ... I feel trapped in my own emotions as if I am not free to express myself fully. Sometimes I feel misunderstood. I thought that years ago I could shake the feeling of not being able to speak my mind, but I guess I am not sure I have fully reached that point to where I feel comfortable doing so. I guess I have a lot of things that I still tend to hold in either to save face keeping peace or that I just do not acknowledge for other reasons.

I am in a relationship and have been for a while. Currently, it has deteriorated past a point of return it feels like. Not that I want it to, but I guess for some reason people grow apart when away for so long. It started as a friendship that developed into a relationship and seemed to have most of the ingredients to work. Away at college for a while, being apart had distanced the relationship some. However, travelling does wonders, but college does things to a person. It is a time of independence and development of persona and character. It shows one how to be independent and can also help one define themselves as far as what they want out of life. I guess during college I went through that transformation, or maybe began understanding what life was like. This is not to assume that I was wild, not the least. However, being as that I had already done the undergraduate college and I had went away to further my degree to a Masters.....I still ended up learning how hard and easy life could be. I was dealt with many new situations that I thought that I would never have to deal with, but dealt with them the best way I could at the age of 24 and 25. With my new found independence and seeming to be my new found voice to make choices on my own without being scared or afraid to make a move....it seemed like I was moving forward in the right direction.

Moving forward to current day, what happened? Is it that I grew apart from the person I had claimed to have so deep feelings for? Could it be the other way around? It seems that everything seems to tick one another off......petty arguments....sitting in the same room with no conversation. What kind of world am I living in? It most of the time seem like trust issues that cause many of the arguments. Could it have really been the distance of being in different states that caused it all to happen or some other underlying issue? I mean sex has not been desirable or even wanted by me, but I have always been the person that could do without anyways. However, I do not even have the desire to have sex anymore or compelled to. Something doesn't feel right as to the point that maybe we are not the same people that met and enjoyed each other years ago? But why? What went wrong? Can we talk about it? What's wrong? Talk to me? Why won't it be said? Could it all be me? Could I be causing this somehow to happen? I think that as of late I have been trying to talk, to communicate, to get understanding of what is really going on. However, it seems that all I get is the obvious masked by some underlying reason. There is no other person seeming to be involved, there is no third party, there is no cheating or could I be wrong? Or maybe the attraction is gone, not the physical but since people change like the season maybe he is unrecognizable to me like winter having a summer breeze.

Even if things are different, why can't we understand and let go so there is no more hurt? What are we holding onto? I want to let go, but I want to be sure. Currently, I sit here, miserable. My family argues amongst themselves. They cannot get along whatsoever, being that is my mother and sister. They call me with problems and issues as if I can do anything from miles away. No help, but they drain me for all I got like I am the answer to their problems. It use to be that I always answered with an okay or I will try. Father doing whatever without me in mind at all. Work I love a lot. My new job seems like the escape I have from life in the form of going to work masking myself with a happy face, jokes, and ideas from the technical side of me. However, I come home to interact with the one person that I thought I could enjoy to find out that the more I seem to try and talk and have fun with this person...the more I don't want to be bothered with them. To go to sleep at night without sex or having the desire to have sex because it just doesn't feel right. I sit here and think, what am I doing with myself?

Let me pick myself up. I am accomplished. So many things I have overcome. A father that doesn't care about me. A terrible divorce with years in and out of court. A house that burned down and going without clothes and necessities to living at peoples houses across towns and cities without my mother being around. Being put in a hospital for disturbed children at a young age for no reason for months. The place didn't even allow phone calls incoming or outgoing to my family. I felt so abandoned at that point. Restricted to what I could eat and could not eat. It felt like a mental prison. What did I do to deserve that? I don't know, I guess I had straight A's and number 1 in my class raised a flag to be put in something like that. I overcame that. How about finding out that my mother does drugs? I found out. I overcame it. Better yet, the feelings that my Sister and I had no type of relationship that a brother and sister should have. I got past it. Maybe the fact that when going to school that my mom would have so many different people take me to work so she could do her thing at home and pushed me off on so many different guys to be a parent to me as far as taking me to work and spending time with me? I am past it. When she did take me to work, she would forget to pick me up on a school night and I would sit at work having got off at 9 at night, but I guess she would remember to pick me up at 12 or 1 in the morning. Sometimes, I would have to call a friend to come get me. I didn't know any better, but hey I got past that. Maybe, when I found out that the person that I cared about she decided to cheat on me after talking about how much in love she was. I almost made a commitment of taking on a child at age 17, but I guess it was not meant to be. I made it through and past that.
Finding out that the first person that I would connect to would be a guy and first sexual experience would be with one. Something, that I have finally acknowledged and got past and overcame that.

Why can't I overcome this?

Me trying to further my education to go to college, the next day after graduating high school was crazy. Who would not want their son or daughter to go to the next level after graduating with higher than a 4 average? My mother did not understand the reason for going to college and instead of getting applaud for doing so I got push back from trying to go to college. She would not help nor did she want me going there. No, not cause she didn't want me leaving, cause she wanted me miserable as her. I did not want this so I got around it and moved on with help from graduating classmates. I got over it. I moved on and met new people in undergrad. Attempted to enter the dating scene and got held against my will but some crazy lunatic. One of those situations you would never think that you would get in, but you end up in. I overcame that situation and ended up out of without resort to violence. So thinking that I could turn a new leaf. You grow in college. You learn. You experience new things. You develop and begin to define yourself as a person. By the time I had reached the 4th year in my college experience, I decided to seek out my father and reestablish a relationship with him. I made the first step in doing so. However, it was a step I wish I had not have taken. It ended up in nothing more than feeling worse that I had a father that did not really care about me. After getting the guts to express myself through all the manipulation that my father and mother had caused. I mean it was so much use and abuse that I took not physically, but mentally from them you would not believe. My mother would have me play sick to avoid visitations from my father long ago when I was a kid to my father having me write a letter against my mother about how good of a time I was having with him during visitations. Both were just using me like an object. I got over it. However, when expressing the pain and anger I felt, it was not fought with nothing else but more pain and words translated to "I don't care about you". I mean he had the nerve to tell me that my mother had a gun and he knew about her doing drugs, but did not try to help her at the time. I mean at that point in my life why would he tell me now after leaving me and basically disowning the fact that he had a son. Be as it may, he claim he cared, but such conversation ended in your gonna suffer like your mother? So am I suffering? Is it true? I don't even know anymore. All I know is that my birthday was coming up, and I never heard from him anymore since after the argument over how I felt about the past. That was the first time I spoke up about how I felt and it had felt good. I got over it though and learned to live without him. So approaching graduation, I made it. It was the end of four years of struggle, low funds, but a sound education. I have six tickets for graduation. My mother and sister knew it was coming. Aunts I did not know and cousins knew from my mother that I was nearing graduation. Who shows up? No one! No one came. Friends asking me where your parents are and I had to say at home. Who came to my graduation, my roommate was my support and he was not even graduating. No one came to my graduation or even tried to come get me 4 states away after graduation. So I found myself stuck in a state with no place to stay and ended up forced to work on campus after graduating from school to raise money to leave school. How sad is that? Then the nerve that my friends parents had the nerve to ask during graduation that if no one was coming to my graduation if they could use the tickets to get some extra family members in. Shit what the hell? Might as well go to better use than for me. So I saved one ticket. How I got home was sad, but I am not even going to tell that story, but once I got home I was so depressed and so down. I just could not stand to even be at home. It was like the worst. It felt like I had entered hell. Being a graduate and only 21 was an accomplishment for me., but went unnoticed it felt like. So I was at home miserable with my mother that was not working or doing anything really productive with herself, but be in self pity. I was just there watching her go down meanwhile I was getting in a state where I had this undergraduate degree and was working a job in a Radio shack. The market was fucked at the time so it was not easy to get a job in my field at the time. However, I made money, worked long hours, meanwhile dishing out money to my mother to stay at home and towards her addiction(supposedly gas money to use her car). I just watched her go from being bad to worse. Selling things in the house for money, selling my stuff for money, to having people buy her groceries and taking it back to the store for money. Why did I have to watch it? What could I do? I felt trapped with no escape and with my intelligence and determination I could not think of a solution. I got over it though and overcame. I did end up meeting back up with someone along the way that made me laugh and made me feel secure. I talked to about my situations and was an escape from my world of misery. He made me feel like there was more to life outside the walls and surroundings of my mother and her house. And over the months with ups and downs we began to overcome together. I felt happy and secure. I knew that someone out there understood me and could make me smile and be happy and I became not miserable anymore. I would go to their house and lay up watching movies, or catch a movie at the movie theater, he helped me get my first car with my own finances so I could be mobile and not depend on people. I felt like I was experiencing the world not alone, but with someone helping me and holding my hand. I actually was able to feel good about things I had done and appreciate the things I had gone through and my accomplishments. I was experiencing the good things in life at the time. We talked, we went places, I met different people, and was enjoying the company and with a car I felt that I was moving in the right direction (literally). I mean of course we had our ups and downs, but we were able to overcome them.

To bring it back to current...what is different now? I went to graduate school for about two years and we were apart. Meeting only on occasions, it seemed as if we were becoming distant. However, after graduate school having nothing left, but a project and a thesis I left to take on a job in another state. Again a time apart, we decided to make the step of trying to live together. Was that a wrong option? Did I make a bad move? There was temptation during the time apart to do wrong, but we had our issues about that and talked about it after dealing with times of insecurities and temptation. So now here we are no sex in months. The trip to Florida was suppose to bounce back things, but did not. Should I accept the fact that it isn't working or should I keep trying? I am getting exhausted trying to make things work. I disgust in sitting in a home where no one speaks and we just sit there. I hate knowing that things I like to do are not like by my other half. Is it really me playing video games here and there what really is bothering someone or is it something else? Why do you not talk to me? Why can't I even make you laugh no more, but a simple conversation on the phone with someone else can make you smile in a heartbeat? What happened to showing me things and experiencing things together? It feels like roommates more than anything. What should I do? The one thing that I hoped would never completely fall apart seems as if it did already and there is nothing like everything else I explained above....there is nothing I seem I can do about it but let it go and get over it? Is that what I need to do? It isn't easy to let go of something when it is almost like all you know? Man I been in a relationship like this before, but nothing that has lasted as seemingly as long as this one have I ever dealt with. But the candle seems to have burned out, the spark at its end, can it be lit again or once it's out it's out? I am at a lost of what to do? Things are suppose to get better not seem to get worse. I am not sure who will read this one, but I think I put more than enough of me in this one. Hopefully, someone understands me.

Still Undoing the Wrongs of Others

2007-11-10T04:51:00.000-06:00

So this post is just going to be an update of the previous post. I am still working on fixing my mothers fuck ups. I was able to settle with the courts the debt that she caused and avoided having to actually go through that whole court process. So I am paying X amount a month on something that I never created. Funny though, I hadn't heard from her since until yesterday. Being all talk as usual, she called asking how much the debt and saying how she would be able to help with half. I just thought to myself, "Half?!". Anyways, I listened to her story on how she would be able to help and then thought to myself "where did she go wrong that she ended up like she is?".

Undoing the Wrongs of Others

2007-10-21T19:55:00.000-05:00

So this past week I had to finally take a stand in taking control in the things I actually can control. Here was what happened.....

I am 26 years old now, but back in '99 my mother decided to fill out a credit card application in my name and forge my signature and send it in. I was away at college at the time. Crazy thing about it is that she got approved, received the card, then told me about it. She used it to pay bills or what not and refused to pay the bill because at the time she did not have the money to pay it card off and I certainly did not have money after just starting college. After, that she had been refusing to pay it and it went to collections under my name. The thing I had been fighting for years was whether to send my mother to jail for fraud or keep bugging her to pay it off cause I could not afford the amount at the time......

Which brings me to this current day and time. The credit card company now is suing me for 10 times the amount because of the interest built up on it. The sent court papers to my old address which I still have not received as of yet, but the situation is crazy. My mothers response to it all..... "So they can't take nothing you don't have" ........"so they sent me some papers in the past too.....they ain't going to do nothing" ....... " I don't have any money to give you right now....I am in the same boat".

So why do some parents do things like this. It is like they love company when they miserable or the fact that since shit is fucked up with them that it is okay for everyone else to be fucked up too. Some people I have talked to feel that I should go to court with it and have them bust out with the application and match the signatures. That way, I am free of this high debt and that my mother does time for fraud and identity theft. However, I am going to handle this one the right way (grittin teeth) and talking to the attorneys and have arranged a way to settle and pay the debt over a period of time to avoid going to court and all. Let's see what happens. Any comments are welcomed on this topic so holla!

Planning for the End of the Year w/ flashbacks

2007-10-01T23:26:00.000-05:00

So I am deciding whether to go home for Christmas with family or plan a trip elsewhere. So you read this statement and many are probably saying..... "Who wouldn't want to be around family?" Well every family doesn't gather around and put up the Christmas tree and cook a great Christmas dinner. Also, every family doesn't always seem to fully appreciate your presence. Now you could be thinking to yourself, maybe it's cause your family knows about you and resent you. WOW....but nope. It ain't even nothing like that because even though they are in denial and now that I realize that I am grown in the sense that it doesn't matter. That isn't even their issue and the problems that my family have go far back before last year when they found out it goes as far back as to when well...... my Mom "fell off". I guess the divorce hit her hard and we went from a well-off middle class family to just people trying to form a family. Over the course of the next couple blogs I guess I will let the world know me without really knowing who I am. But just as a synopsis..... I will go over the cycle that my mother has taken that worries me from what I observe and what I know. She has went from being happily married....to being divorce....to having a job...to not having a job or working at all..to owning a house...to barely being able to pay for a house.....to being deeply into the church .... to becoming a hypocrite of the church.....to smoking...to allegedly stop smoking....to secretly doing drugs......to selling and pawning things in the house...from picking things up in the store and committing fraud by returning them to get money back without leaving the store....to committing fraud with food stamps and going to jail. It seems like every year has it in for her. What does she need to do to change? Can I even help her? It seems like I can give her all the money in the wall, but it never seem to be enough or ever see a return on the help I give. Everything goes unappreciated. She is depressed and depressing and it seems so contagious because I think about it at times and feel myself getting depressed just to know that she is.

All in all the question remains.....should I go home for the holidays or plan a trip for myself for the New Year?

Party for 1......Make that 4.....

2007-09-24T23:43:00.000-05:00

Well, it's like this.......I had been told long ago I had other sisters and brothers out there, but I have no idea where to find them. So the thought that I have family out there that I have no clue where they are or what they look like or if they even know about me bothers me so very much. Today, I phone to my mother to see if I could get more information, but it seems every time I ask about them I get either a different response or rather no cooperation. My father, when he was around, never spoke of them so I didn't even know of them until I was in my teens and was semi-curious of them. However, today, I am more curious than ever as to where they are, what they are doing, and so many things to ask them. Mainly, I want to know, if my father treated them the same way he treated me....abandon basically and want nothing to do with me after a divorce. Yeah yeah, I know I am older now and some things I should get over, but you cannot help but wonder if some cycles just repeat themselves over and over.

Well speaking with my mother really didn't help at all. It's as if she is working against me to find them then for me. Why is that? Is there something they know that I do not? Do she not want me to find them and get to know them for a reason? She knows their name and everything and said she knows someone that knows their whereabouts, but she doesn't want to tell me where to start. Her response, "Where they at and what they doing don't have anything to do with me"? So what! What about me.....how about it matters to me. So now it makes me very curious. I have one brother supposedly in Florida now, and two sisters that are supposedly in the same city my mother is in. What makes this even worse is that I am a junior, but come to find out my brother has the same name as me so I guess I am not really a junior anymore huh?

Is it a waste of time to look for them and get to know them at this point of my life, or should I become more curious and start looking for them myself? Where should I start? How do you look for someone with very little leads? What do my readers think?

Dysfunctional Thoughts After Surviving Another Year

2007-09-16T17:06:00.001-05:00

So I just turned 26 yesterday and God has allowed me to live another year! Thank youuuuu...

So since I have been behind in my posting of my blog already, I owe my blog some love. So yo, I had my birthday yesterday and it seemed like a regular day at the most, but since I was able to spend it with the real people who cared and heard from the real people I care about made the day worth wild.

After having such a good vacation on Miami Beach. I had a pretty chill birthday. I went out to eat, went to the movies and seen Jodi Foster act a fool in "The Brave One", and received phone calls and texts from people wishing me a happy b-day.

Then a couple of thoughts have been running through my head. They are completely random and I may get real personal and deep for a second, but many family. Family are suppose to bring you up, be there when you need them, and all the rest of the good things you see from all those old family tv shows like Family Matters, Full House, and Family Ties. But really, family aren't hardly like that even though we wish they were. I was a little bit hurt when my own mother didn't remember my age or could it be due to her own age. I don't know she has a lot of stress going on in her life and I cannot be there like I wish I could be, but sometimes I feel so oligated to her. Should I? Should I even detail within my blog this story so people can get more of a view of what I feel on the inside? I don't know. Fingers trembling. If someone asks you for money all the time, but you never truly see where it goes should you worry or question it? If someone claims they have bills coming from here and there, but as much money you give them they still seem like they in trouble, what do you do? If someone has been waiting for years on a settlement.....let's say about 15 years ....on a case settlement and nothing has come yet which is their reason for not working should they give up on the settlement and move on or keep on keeping the faith? I could go on and on, but I am not sure who is reading or what I string of post I might stir up from this one. I'll see what responses I get and decide whether to detail these inner thoughts.

Until then Latah.....

Florida to End the Summer

2007-09-16T13:43:00.000-05:00

So I went on a trip to Miami Beach, Florida to get away and forget about all the stress that I was currently facing. A planned trip for the Labor day weekend is what made me appreciate where I am in life currently. A five day weekend, just me and my dude. I realized that even though he can get on my nerves at times, he does balance me on the qualities I do not possess.

To detail the trip though, I thought I was balla status the whole time. Spending money here and there, just making the best time out of 5 days away from work and without being bothered with money hungry family members. I got a massage (water massage), went on a couple of tours of Miami to see all the celebrity homes and hot spots, had some expensive gourmet chef made meals, and chilled on the beach to top off this whole vacation. I feel it was well deserved I feel. I mean there's nothing wrong with treating yourself and a loved one to a good time every now and then. I mean people sometimes need to get away to clear the dome right?

So to get to the interesting part. This was a chance to not only get away, but to go to a type of club I wouldn't regularly go to in my own area. I mean really I haven't even been to many clubs period before so I am still trying to understand the excitement of the scene. So I got put up on a club called clubboi. Very interesting name and the location was even wild. It was just off the freeway in the hood. Yo, it couldn't have been a better location. On the real....it was ghetto, but interesting ghetto, you got ya preps and pretty boyz, the thugs, the drag queens, the thugged out drag queens, and well I am sure of you get the drift. Then there was me added to this crowd of people. Eyes wide open, against the wall as if there was a secret killer in the club out to get me and the wall was my only place of refuge to hide. However, after a few vodka and cranberry drinks, I took the hand of my dude and went to the dance floor and acted as if it was just me and him out there enjoying the music and having fun. The DJ was playing all the hits and the "what's hot"....with me being a music lover and all that shit was all good. It was also that exact moment that all the weight on my shoulders suddenly and the stress of the world went away. I was enjoying myself and having fun, just my dude and I.

Put me to Bed .. Bed .. Bed !

2007-08-14T21:17:00.000-05:00

So I have been listening to the many songs of J. Holiday and have come to really enjoy the track entitled "Bed". It is like one of them "at ease" or "hush and listen" type songs. Leads to me to think of when the last time someone actually put me to bed? Hmmm.....?

Truthfully though, when I think of this song, I think about just holding someone or even them holding me in a way of totally security. Beforehand, have candles burning on the sideline while receiving a full body massage with timely nibbles on the left ear. Feeling the warmth of ........
well you somewhat get a picture of what I am getting at.

Do we take things for granted? When is the last time true foreplay has led to sex. I am talking about when two people are feeling the mood and really into each other to a point where nothing else around them exists. Passionate kissing.....grabbing.....looks of sincerity.....where has it all gone. Is it that when we finally get what we want in life, do we take it for granted as if we never wanted or needed anything at all? For people have actually have a significant other, when is the last time you went out on an actual date? Do the "I love you's" simmer down? Do the quality time to engage in each other begin to diminish? Wait....let me go back to dating? Do people actually even date anymore or are we to the point where a first date involves sex on the first night. I ain't saying that sex is bad by all means, but damn I guess times change huh?

Questions demand answers as answers can create more questions

2007-08-06T23:22:00.001-05:00

So I created a blog in hopes that people would read and reply in good faith and honesty. Being as though my first post, I will begin like this .... My life is full of questions where I find myself still looking for answers to. Why things happen to good people? Why people think the way they do sometimes? Why is love always complicated and even hard to find whether its family love or companion love? Why is it that it seems like when you answer one question that there are so many more? Who knows? ....

Well I didn't mean to make the last question an actual question, but the more I live, the more I seem to grow wise and full of wisdom. However, sometimes I still do not feel I've mastered this game of life. One step forward seems to bring me two steps back at times. Just when I think I am close to achieving that one thing I been wanting.....waiting patiently for.....the one thing then because further in reach and harder to acheive. Am I speaking on anything in particular? Maybe.....? The statement can apply to many things in my life and probably many other peoples lives. So I will end this first post with this in hope of response......Is it normal for people to feel this way and am I the only one that have questions like this?

Someone please feel me on this.......