So I went through my cd collection and felt that I could temporarily escape the world for a few minutes with none other than Xscape. This is will be the basis around this post. I had another in mind, but felt this was appropriate in my current state of emotion. I'll pour it out ... I feel trapped in my own emotions as if I am not free to express myself fully. Sometimes I feel misunderstood. I thought that years ago I could shake the feeling of not being able to speak my mind, but I guess I am not sure I have fully reached that point to where I feel comfortable doing so. I guess I have a lot of things that I still tend to hold in either to save face keeping peace or that I just do not acknowledge for other reasons.
I am in a relationship and have been for a while. Currently, it has deteriorated past a point of return it feels like. Not that I want it to, but I guess for some reason people grow apart when away for so long. It started as a friendship that developed into a relationship and seemed to have most of the ingredients to work. Away at college for a while, being apart had distanced the relationship some. However, travelling does wonders, but college does things to a person. It is a time of independence and development of persona and character. It shows one how to be independent and can also help one define themselves as far as what they want out of life. I guess during college I went through that transformation, or maybe began understanding what life was like. This is not to assume that I was wild, not the least. However, being as that I had already done the undergraduate college and I had went away to further my degree to a Masters.....I still ended up learning how hard and easy life could be. I was dealt with many new situations that I thought that I would never have to deal with, but dealt with them the best way I could at the age of 24 and 25. With my new found independence and seeming to be my new found voice to make choices on my own without being scared or afraid to make a move....it seemed like I was moving forward in the right direction.
Moving forward to current day, what happened? Is it that I grew apart from the person I had claimed to have so deep feelings for? Could it be the other way around? It seems that everything seems to tick one another off......petty arguments....sitting in the same room with no conversation. What kind of world am I living in? It most of the time seem like trust issues that cause many of the arguments. Could it have really been the distance of being in different states that caused it all to happen or some other underlying issue? I mean sex has not been desirable or even wanted by me, but I have always been the person that could do without anyways. However, I do not even have the desire to have sex anymore or compelled to. Something doesn't feel right as to the point that maybe we are not the same people that met and enjoyed each other years ago? But why? What went wrong? Can we talk about it? What's wrong? Talk to me? Why won't it be said? Could it all be me? Could I be causing this somehow to happen? I think that as of late I have been trying to talk, to communicate, to get understanding of what is really going on. However, it seems that all I get is the obvious masked by some underlying reason. There is no other person seeming to be involved, there is no third party, there is no cheating or could I be wrong? Or maybe the attraction is gone, not the physical but since people change like the season maybe he is unrecognizable to me like winter having a summer breeze.
Even if things are different, why can't we understand and let go so there is no more hurt? What are we holding onto? I want to let go, but I want to be sure. Currently, I sit here, miserable. My family argues amongst themselves. They cannot get along whatsoever, being that is my mother and sister. They call me with problems and issues as if I can do anything from miles away. No help, but they drain me for all I got like I am the answer to their problems. It use to be that I always answered with an okay or I will try. Father doing whatever without me in mind at all. Work I love a lot. My new job seems like the escape I have from life in the form of going to work masking myself with a happy face, jokes, and ideas from the technical side of me. However, I come home to interact with the one person that I thought I could enjoy to find out that the more I seem to try and talk and have fun with this person...the more I don't want to be bothered with them. To go to sleep at night without sex or having the desire to have sex because it just doesn't feel right. I sit here and think, what am I doing with myself?
Let me pick myself up. I am accomplished. So many things I have overcome. A father that doesn't care about me. A terrible divorce with years in and out of court. A house that burned down and going without clothes and necessities to living at peoples houses across towns and cities without my mother being around. Being put in a hospital for disturbed children at a young age for no reason for months. The place didn't even allow phone calls incoming or outgoing to my family. I felt so abandoned at that point. Restricted to what I could eat and could not eat. It felt like a mental prison. What did I do to deserve that? I don't know, I guess I had straight A's and number 1 in my class raised a flag to be put in something like that. I overcame that. How about finding out that my mother does drugs? I found out. I overcame it. Better yet, the feelings that my Sister and I had no type of relationship that a brother and sister should have. I got past it. Maybe the fact that when going to school that my mom would have so many different people take me to work so she could do her thing at home and pushed me off on so many different guys to be a parent to me as far as taking me to work and spending time with me? I am past it. When she did take me to work, she would forget to pick me up on a school night and I would sit at work having got off at 9 at night, but I guess she would remember to pick me up at 12 or 1 in the morning. Sometimes, I would have to call a friend to come get me. I didn't know any better, but hey I got past that. Maybe, when I found out that the person that I cared about she decided to cheat on me after talking about how much in love she was. I almost made a commitment of taking on a child at age 17, but I guess it was not meant to be. I made it through and past that.
Finding out that the first person that I would connect to would be a guy and first sexual experience would be with one. Something, that I have finally acknowledged and got past and overcame that.
Why can't I overcome this?
Me trying to further my education to go to college, the next day after graduating high school was crazy. Who would not want their son or daughter to go to the next level after graduating with higher than a 4 average? My mother did not understand the reason for going to college and instead of getting applaud for doing so I got push back from trying to go to college. She would not help nor did she want me going there. No, not cause she didn't want me leaving, cause she wanted me miserable as her. I did not want this so I got around it and moved on with help from graduating classmates. I got over it. I moved on and met new people in undergrad. Attempted to enter the dating scene and got held against my will but some crazy lunatic. One of those situations you would never think that you would get in, but you end up in. I overcame that situation and ended up out of without resort to violence. So thinking that I could turn a new leaf. You grow in college. You learn. You experience new things. You develop and begin to define yourself as a person. By the time I had reached the 4th year in my college experience, I decided to seek out my father and reestablish a relationship with him. I made the first step in doing so. However, it was a step I wish I had not have taken. It ended up in nothing more than feeling worse that I had a father that did not really care about me. After getting the guts to express myself through all the manipulation that my father and mother had caused. I mean it was so much use and abuse that I took not physically, but mentally from them you would not believe. My mother would have me play sick to avoid visitations from my father long ago when I was a kid to my father having me write a letter against my mother about how good of a time I was having with him during visitations. Both were just using me like an object. I got over it. However, when expressing the pain and anger I felt, it was not fought with nothing else but more pain and words translated to "I don't care about you". I mean he had the nerve to tell me that my mother had a gun and he knew about her doing drugs, but did not try to help her at the time. I mean at that point in my life why would he tell me now after leaving me and basically disowning the fact that he had a son. Be as it may, he claim he cared, but such conversation ended in your gonna suffer like your mother? So am I suffering? Is it true? I don't even know anymore. All I know is that my birthday was coming up, and I never heard from him anymore since after the argument over how I felt about the past. That was the first time I spoke up about how I felt and it had felt good. I got over it though and learned to live without him. So approaching graduation, I made it. It was the end of four years of struggle, low funds, but a sound education. I have six tickets for graduation. My mother and sister knew it was coming. Aunts I did not know and cousins knew from my mother that I was nearing graduation. Who shows up? No one! No one came. Friends asking me where your parents are and I had to say at home. Who came to my graduation, my roommate was my support and he was not even graduating. No one came to my graduation or even tried to come get me 4 states away after graduation. So I found myself stuck in a state with no place to stay and ended up forced to work on campus after graduating from school to raise money to leave school. How sad is that? Then the nerve that my friends parents had the nerve to ask during graduation that if no one was coming to my graduation if they could use the tickets to get some extra family members in. Shit what the hell? Might as well go to better use than for me. So I saved one ticket. How I got home was sad, but I am not even going to tell that story, but once I got home I was so depressed and so down. I just could not stand to even be at home. It was like the worst. It felt like I had entered hell. Being a graduate and only 21 was an accomplishment for me., but went unnoticed it felt like. So I was at home miserable with my mother that was not working or doing anything really productive with herself, but be in self pity. I was just there watching her go down meanwhile I was getting in a state where I had this undergraduate degree and was working a job in a Radio shack. The market was fucked at the time so it was not easy to get a job in my field at the time. However, I made money, worked long hours, meanwhile dishing out money to my mother to stay at home and towards her addiction(supposedly gas money to use her car). I just watched her go from being bad to worse. Selling things in the house for money, selling my stuff for money, to having people buy her groceries and taking it back to the store for money. Why did I have to watch it? What could I do? I felt trapped with no escape and with my intelligence and determination I could not think of a solution. I got over it though and overcame. I did end up meeting back up with someone along the way that made me laugh and made me feel secure. I talked to about my situations and was an escape from my world of misery. He made me feel like there was more to life outside the walls and surroundings of my mother and her house. And over the months with ups and downs we began to overcome together. I felt happy and secure. I knew that someone out there understood me and could make me smile and be happy and I became not miserable anymore. I would go to their house and lay up watching movies, or catch a movie at the movie theater, he helped me get my first car with my own finances so I could be mobile and not depend on people. I felt like I was experiencing the world not alone, but with someone helping me and holding my hand. I actually was able to feel good about things I had done and appreciate the things I had gone through and my accomplishments. I was experiencing the good things in life at the time. We talked, we went places, I met different people, and was enjoying the company and with a car I felt that I was moving in the right direction (literally). I mean of course we had our ups and downs, but we were able to overcome them.
To bring it back to current...what is different now? I went to graduate school for about two years and we were apart. Meeting only on occasions, it seemed as if we were becoming distant. However, after graduate school having nothing left, but a project and a thesis I left to take on a job in another state. Again a time apart, we decided to make the step of trying to live together. Was that a wrong option? Did I make a bad move? There was temptation during the time apart to do wrong, but we had our issues about that and talked about it after dealing with times of insecurities and temptation. So now here we are no sex in months. The trip to Florida was suppose to bounce back things, but did not. Should I accept the fact that it isn't working or should I keep trying? I am getting exhausted trying to make things work. I disgust in sitting in a home where no one speaks and we just sit there. I hate knowing that things I like to do are not like by my other half. Is it really me playing video games here and there what really is bothering someone or is it something else? Why do you not talk to me? Why can't I even make you laugh no more, but a simple conversation on the phone with someone else can make you smile in a heartbeat? What happened to showing me things and experiencing things together? It feels like roommates more than anything. What should I do? The one thing that I hoped would never completely fall apart seems as if it did already and there is nothing like everything else I explained above....there is nothing I seem I can do about it but let it go and get over it? Is that what I need to do? It isn't easy to let go of something when it is almost like all you know? Man I been in a relationship like this before, but nothing that has lasted as seemingly as long as this one have I ever dealt with. But the candle seems to have burned out, the spark at its end, can it be lit again or once it's out it's out? I am at a lost of what to do? Things are suppose to get better not seem to get worse. I am not sure who will read this one, but I think I put more than enough of me in this one. Hopefully, someone understands me.
I don't know where to begin....
14 years ago
