Praying for Peace

No one ever wants to wake up to negative or bad news. On this day, I woke up hearing the worst bad news. My brother, my best friend had got into a bad car accident. Once the friend started to get into the details about what happened, I could not list anymore. I instantly went into tears and passed the phone to my husband. I felt like a ton of bricks fell on me. As if my conversation with my mom wasn't bad enough a day and half prior, this hurt badly. So many things ran through my mind such as "Oh my God", "Head surgery?", "Will he be okay", "I won't be able to handle if he does not make it", "I wish I could up and leave to where he is", and the list goes on.

My mind works in such a fast paced way. So many things raced through my head as the tears roll down by face. I could only hear things my friend would say to me in my head and play conversations where we had discussions of "what if...". It scares me but also leaves in my head that anything can happy to any one of us at any given time. This is why you always check on loved ones, family, and friends while they are here. You cherish those while the opportunity allows you today. Do not put off things until tomorrow as things are never promised. It saddens me still as the tears roll down as my brother means so much to me. He was there for me when no one else was around as I hid my true self from the world. He supported me and never judged me for the choices made or mistakes I made. He listened and connected me to other people that are like family to me to this day.

I should not speaking like he is not here anymore as I know that he will pull out of this as a full recovery. I just never desire to see anyone hurt or be in pain. I guess the flip side of that is that I wish I never was hurt or in pain nor do I want to see anyone suffer if I can help it. If I had the opportunity to absorb peoples hurt and pain, I would. I guess that is just how big my heart is when it comes to people I care about.

I know that I am in a waiting pattern until my brother comes out of his sleep. I know once he pulls through all this he will be well rested and ready to plan his next trip. Hopefully he can still come see the new home once it is built. If not, I totally get it but I can always facetime or send pictures.

This post even though you may not know it is here.....it is for you bro! Praying for your recovery!

Can Anybody Hear Me Right Now?

I needed a moment to see if anybody still can see this? It is fathers day and I feel semi down about the holiday. It is Sunday evening and I just got back from a going away party for three friends. I guess I can call them friends as I even felt emotion during the event knowing that we would not be able to hang out anymore. One person leaving tomorrow actually made me very sad. I really been masking how much I cared for this person as a friend as I tried to hold back the tears. She was very cool, caring, talkative, and energetic. Me being somewhat introverted, it really takes a lot to understand someone of her personality to be able to handle. I almost broke down in tears every minute I felt it was close to the event ending. So many emotions of people leaving my life, feeling alone in my emotions, and overwhelmed..... I just wanted someone to let me know that it was okay.

I don't know today was just a rough day. Hell, the weekend was a rough weekend. I really wanted to take advantage of the time and spend time laughing, having fun, and forming moments. It almost feels like an epic fail thought. Why? Well, it is 10:22 p.m. on a Sunday night and I am home along with nothing but an "I am really sorry" as the last text from my husband. While dried up tears still exist from my face. It hurts me deeply that there is no one here to inquire why I am sad, am I okay, and ask me how I feel. I know I am deep in my feelings, but I am really in a bad space right now with so many things going on that I really do not have control over. As someone recently told me, I should start putting myself first. When will I listen?