Can You Hear Me, Can You See Me?

I been on a roll these last couple days. I never realized how much energy it takes to write or rather type these things. There are so many things that trigger a reaction out of me lately. I think I am just overwhelmed with so much. Every time I think I handled one thing, there is something else that comes at me.

Well, you wonder what is on my mind today?

.......

So much!

Should I even reach out to my mother? Still have not heard from her. It is just a shame to know someone out there that has birthed you, a provider, a supporter, a protector, and a guide decides when they do not want to be bothered with you. Never wonder what I am going through or if they can help but always come at you with issues. It becomes so draining. It is like I am okay for a while, then somehow I get sucked back into a feeling of no family ....no love. It is a terrible feeling, but I manage. I guess she will come around at her own time. However, being as grown as I am I hate to turn my back, but at some point I need to just fully get to the point where it does not affect me at all. Eh, it is what it is. I know one thing, I will not be the one to exert my energy out to get hurt again. Right now I will just have to manage with things as they currently are.

To be honest, at times I sit and wonder do people even hear me ......let alone see me. I have been told my actions speak louder than words at times. I do know I can make my words speak louder than my actions for those that cannot see. Sometimes I feel that people choose to ignore both. I think this holds true even in my own marriage at times. Everyone is a work in progress and I know nothing is never perfect, but sometimes I feel invisible. What I have been told is that the first two years are the most difficult at times because your really growing into your marriage and the idea that your intertwined. Now the idea of a marriage does not necessarily define you, but the mindset really clicks in at some point that you have confessed your love before God, family, and friends that this is your soulmate.

Truly I love myself and what I really want to do is provide that love to someone to receive it back. Sometimes I feel restricted to give love or show love to know that I won't even get it back at times. Does that make sense? I don't know if it does, but that feels like the situation I am in unintentionally. Some days it is okay to be affectionate, some does it is bad very bad. Some days I may get what I need, some days I will not. I wonder if this is how it is suppose to work or is this something to work on?

Lately I have been consumed around me by so many things that sometimes I do not know how to manage. I want to tell someone, but what I really need is a hug and that it will be okay. Maybe a listening ear that hears me. Maybe I just need someone to be there in that moment with me to pull me out. I have been feeling alone in my thoughts at times. It is as if I put all this energy in people to be concerned, help advise, or just be there when I can't even get that for myself. Heck sometimes I get so scared to even share lately that I let things eat me up inside. I feel like I have no outlet lately or safe place that I can be understood, held, and told that "I got your back". It is the little things that matter and make the difference as I don't feel like I am that complex. How did I get to this feeling? Well I could get into it......but again even through writing ....would anyone really listen? Thoughts to paper, thoughts to electronics. Electronics don't listen, people do. It really is weird because even writing I do not feel safe. I don't want no one to think anything of me as a person nor the people I am referring to be judgmental. Can that even happen?

Two Sides to One Story

Wow! From me writing the last entry to then so many things happened in such a short time.

First off, it appears that a friend of mine house got broken into. It was sad to hear cause I can only imagine how scary that can be. I wish I was closer to where I could help him out, but I am not. I can only send a prayer up that this shall pass. To look on the bright side, he still has his life. Luckily he was not at home while it was happening. It was hard to hear how distraught, but I know things will get better. I will do my part to check up and all.

I guess the main thing that got my heart is the state that my sister currently is in. It almost feels like she is so close to a breaking point. What happens when someone reaches a breaking point? It is so hard hearing all the struggles that she has with her relationships and her kids. Guess things like this is bound to happen when you lack love from home or immediate family. So one way to compensate is by finding someone that you hope can provide you that love that you feel you never received or require. There is a book about this kind of analysis of relationships and how we choose mates that reflect or relate to people we have encountered in our life. It is called "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix.A good read if you have the time.

I wish I could be there and help her but I cannot. I am miles away to be of any real help except a listening ear and a virtual shoulder to cry on. She had to get rid of her baby daddy for her own sake. What she shared with me was the fact that he was verbally abusive and an alcoholic drunk. Oh by the way she mentioned he was cheating on her with various women as he always hit the bar. Not sure if she necessarily caught him in the "sexual act" but she felt she had enough evidence as she went through the phone and seen all the conversations with women and incriminating evidence. Him being a 44 year old man that had brought a baby girl into the world should understand that he would never want his daughter to go through such similar situations in regards to love. What parent that cares would allow their child to get hurt by some random stranger that claims they are in love. Be it the stranger has an ulterior motive to get what they can out of the person which varies from sex, money, self esteem, power, or some other stupid form of gratification.

It is very sad that she has to go through this but I really think she is going through her time of a breakthrough. The only way of her getting out of this drama is to realize she truly has the power and the option to choose her path. She can remain a victim and continue to be at people's mercy due to their emotional or mental state or she could choose to be happy. She has to define what happiness means to her. I would think that at this moment that she would reflect on all the choices that she has made in her life that led her to this current point. I feel she should let her kids go and love them from a distance. It is unfortunate that they are going through what they are going through as far as manipulation of their father and wrapped up in the material things in love instead of true love of a mother. They will realize one day that material things will only get them so far as it comes and goes. Sad that my youngest nephew already dealing with court cases and following in the footsteps of his father.........weed,,,,drug possessions and the law. I pray that he does not become a jail statistic due to following his fathers footsteps. Now my niece is in school fighting? She was so innocent and so nice when she was younger but without having her mothers love and understanding that she is a victim of her father......a pawn ......all of them a pawn to get back at my mom......."that" they will never understand until they are older. I just hope that one day they find their way back.

My sister really needs to focus on herself and just pray for her 3 kids that went astray. As for her current child, she just need to learn from the previous experience to ensure her 2 year old daughter does not get caught up in the same manipulation. Even the issues of the current baby father does not have to be a repeat of what has happened with the other kids father. I just hope she makes the better choice for her child and herself.

Still sad that I do not think my mother is in the state to even help, console, and provide advice to move forward. Better yet, she is not even talking to me. It sucks, but these are the tings that keep me up at night. I guess I always end up absorbing the pain of others and somehow they form as a part of my pain and my stress. I wish there was a way to really let go of my concerns and the pain I feel at times. One day, I will learn how......hopefully before it all consumes me.

The Family Struggle Continues

It has been a while since I decided to write in this thing. I had to take a moment and actually reflect back on to previous entries to validate if I had made any progress. Well I will put my thoughts in this post which may come off long, but if anyone out there still reads this......you're in for some random thoughts,

Here I am sitting in the computer room thinking and wondering why do I still get so wrapped up in the idea of family. Reflecting back on years of posts, I still have not nor will I receive the love that I need from my family. It hurts deeply like a knife to the heart to think that I am here....they are there and no one wonders "how are you?", "what are you doing with yourself?", "what is your future plans?", or better yet "do you need anything?". Ha, I will never get asked "do I need anything". Hell, do they have anything to give?

I think it has been a good 20 years since graduating from high school and really entering the real world. I have been on my own navigating through life the safest way I can to get to where I am. Even before I graduated high school, I felt alone in the house with my mom. She was so disengaged from me and depressed with her own problems she had no idea how neglected I felt. Buying her time with checks from my job to get food for her to watch a movie with me. I do miss when I was a kid and she was happy and wanted to leave the house which now has become her prison, her "safe place" which provides her "comfort". She has no idea, the house is going to be her downfall. But whatever......

Back to me. A week ago was actually Mother's day. I called my mother to wish her a happy mothers day. She did not even answer the phone nor returned my call. Kinda hurt. Kinda? No, it did. I felt like man she can easily ignore more and not answer my call?! What if it was an emergency or I was dying or something happened. The last and only voice she would have heard of mine was "I just called to wish you a happy mothers day, I hope you enjoy your day".

A few days previous we had a disagreement. She called me to talk to me about my sister and her court case regarding her kids. Weird scenario but the father has custody of kids and my sister is made to pay child support. My sister youngest daughter had plotted against my sister by siding with the father to have my sister put in jail stating that she "hit" her and caused a bruise. Any who....the kids are playing against their mom and grandmother by using their grandmother to go over her house instead of my sister. This puts my mom and sister against one another before the court case for my sister to get custody of at least one of their children. My mother wanted to talk about how the kids come over there and in the same breathe talk about how bad they are. She has no clue she is being used. I wanted to let her know this by simply being honest from the version of the story my sister had told me which was similar to the story my mother was saying. My sister stopped letting the kids come over knowing that they let her go to jail over something their father plotted up to happen. However, the kids know they can't go to their mother house so they decided to go to their grandmother house. Basically using her. My mother is so slow, she letting them come over (maybe because she is lonely) knowing that her daughter (their mother) is not even letting them in her house. I simply told my mother that those are not her kids and she can't just go against the mother wishes especially if your suppose to support your daughter. She has to see the kids are using their grandmother to get back at their mom out of spite. Also, the father might be enforcing this. I suggested that my mom needs to just stay out but she would not listen to what I was saying and instead demanded I listen to her. She stated she understood they may be using her but they just kids. She went on and I listened and stopped talking. When I went to give my opinion she did not like what I had to say and wanted to keep over talking me. I feel that if a person that demands respect from you to listen to what they are saying, then they should be able to return that same gesture. Nope, she talked over me and did not allow me to get everything out cause she did not agree with my opinion (even though it was very much the truth about the kids and how she should not get in the middle of their issues only adding more frustration to her own daughter). The phone call ended in me having to hang up as I asked several times can I talk......

I called back right after and she did not answer. I called on mothers day and she did not answer. So no telling when she will call back again. Usually it is if she needs money or wants to hear my opinion on something (which she does not like to hear if it does not align with her own). So I guess we will go months without until she calls. I do not know why our relationship has to be this strained at this point. Funny thing about it, it has nothing to do with me.This phone calls, opinions of things usually have nothing to do with me but the fallout is always cause of me.

I don't know I can't win for losing. I still long for my mother to wake up one day from her years of depression and feeling hopeless at times to say....."Son, I am sorry......I know I am not perfect but I am sorry for all the years of hurt that I may have caused you......but I am here now....and it is never too late.....I really love you and may not have shown it in the way you needed it but I really want to try to make it up to you and be there for you now".......

Will this ever happen? Will she ever have a real honest conversations with me? Probably not. I have tried conversing about how I felt over the years, writing letters, but she never truly acknowledge them. Its always a lie or just making it up....yada yada.

I just wish I had the power to take away her pain, hurt, or loneliness. Maybe she would recognize me as being her son....the same one she gave birth to and appeared to love many years ago.