The Family Struggle Continues

It has been a while since I decided to write in this thing. I had to take a moment and actually reflect back on to previous entries to validate if I had made any progress. Well I will put my thoughts in this post which may come off long, but if anyone out there still reads this......you're in for some random thoughts,

Here I am sitting in the computer room thinking and wondering why do I still get so wrapped up in the idea of family. Reflecting back on years of posts, I still have not nor will I receive the love that I need from my family. It hurts deeply like a knife to the heart to think that I am here....they are there and no one wonders "how are you?", "what are you doing with yourself?", "what is your future plans?", or better yet "do you need anything?". Ha, I will never get asked "do I need anything". Hell, do they have anything to give?

I think it has been a good 20 years since graduating from high school and really entering the real world. I have been on my own navigating through life the safest way I can to get to where I am. Even before I graduated high school, I felt alone in the house with my mom. She was so disengaged from me and depressed with her own problems she had no idea how neglected I felt. Buying her time with checks from my job to get food for her to watch a movie with me. I do miss when I was a kid and she was happy and wanted to leave the house which now has become her prison, her "safe place" which provides her "comfort". She has no idea, the house is going to be her downfall. But whatever......

Back to me. A week ago was actually Mother's day. I called my mother to wish her a happy mothers day. She did not even answer the phone nor returned my call. Kinda hurt. Kinda? No, it did. I felt like man she can easily ignore more and not answer my call?! What if it was an emergency or I was dying or something happened. The last and only voice she would have heard of mine was "I just called to wish you a happy mothers day, I hope you enjoy your day".

A few days previous we had a disagreement. She called me to talk to me about my sister and her court case regarding her kids. Weird scenario but the father has custody of kids and my sister is made to pay child support. My sister youngest daughter had plotted against my sister by siding with the father to have my sister put in jail stating that she "hit" her and caused a bruise. Any who....the kids are playing against their mom and grandmother by using their grandmother to go over her house instead of my sister. This puts my mom and sister against one another before the court case for my sister to get custody of at least one of their children. My mother wanted to talk about how the kids come over there and in the same breathe talk about how bad they are. She has no clue she is being used. I wanted to let her know this by simply being honest from the version of the story my sister had told me which was similar to the story my mother was saying. My sister stopped letting the kids come over knowing that they let her go to jail over something their father plotted up to happen. However, the kids know they can't go to their mother house so they decided to go to their grandmother house. Basically using her. My mother is so slow, she letting them come over (maybe because she is lonely) knowing that her daughter (their mother) is not even letting them in her house. I simply told my mother that those are not her kids and she can't just go against the mother wishes especially if your suppose to support your daughter. She has to see the kids are using their grandmother to get back at their mom out of spite. Also, the father might be enforcing this. I suggested that my mom needs to just stay out but she would not listen to what I was saying and instead demanded I listen to her. She stated she understood they may be using her but they just kids. She went on and I listened and stopped talking. When I went to give my opinion she did not like what I had to say and wanted to keep over talking me. I feel that if a person that demands respect from you to listen to what they are saying, then they should be able to return that same gesture. Nope, she talked over me and did not allow me to get everything out cause she did not agree with my opinion (even though it was very much the truth about the kids and how she should not get in the middle of their issues only adding more frustration to her own daughter). The phone call ended in me having to hang up as I asked several times can I talk......

I called back right after and she did not answer. I called on mothers day and she did not answer. So no telling when she will call back again. Usually it is if she needs money or wants to hear my opinion on something (which she does not like to hear if it does not align with her own). So I guess we will go months without until she calls. I do not know why our relationship has to be this strained at this point. Funny thing about it, it has nothing to do with me.This phone calls, opinions of things usually have nothing to do with me but the fallout is always cause of me.

I don't know I can't win for losing. I still long for my mother to wake up one day from her years of depression and feeling hopeless at times to say....."Son, I am sorry......I know I am not perfect but I am sorry for all the years of hurt that I may have caused you......but I am here now....and it is never too late.....I really love you and may not have shown it in the way you needed it but I really want to try to make it up to you and be there for you now".......

Will this ever happen? Will she ever have a real honest conversations with me? Probably not. I have tried conversing about how I felt over the years, writing letters, but she never truly acknowledge them. Its always a lie or just making it up....yada yada.

I just wish I had the power to take away her pain, hurt, or loneliness. Maybe she would recognize me as being her son....the same one she gave birth to and appeared to love many years ago.