I been on a roll these last couple days. I never realized how much energy it takes to write or rather type these things. There are so many things that trigger a reaction out of me lately. I think I am just overwhelmed with so much. Every time I think I handled one thing, there is something else that comes at me.
Well, you wonder what is on my mind today?
Should I even reach out to my mother? Still have not heard from her. It is just a shame to know someone out there that has birthed you, a provider, a supporter, a protector, and a guide decides when they do not want to be bothered with you. Never wonder what I am going through or if they can help but always come at you with issues. It becomes so draining. It is like I am okay for a while, then somehow I get sucked back into a feeling of no family ....no love. It is a terrible feeling, but I manage. I guess she will come around at her own time. However, being as grown as I am I hate to turn my back, but at some point I need to just fully get to the point where it does not affect me at all. Eh, it is what it is. I know one thing, I will not be the one to exert my energy out to get hurt again. Right now I will just have to manage with things as they currently are.
To be honest, at times I sit and wonder do people even hear me ......let alone see me. I have been told my actions speak louder than words at times. I do know I can make my words speak louder than my actions for those that cannot see. Sometimes I feel that people choose to ignore both. I think this holds true even in my own marriage at times. Everyone is a work in progress and I know nothing is never perfect, but sometimes I feel invisible. What I have been told is that the first two years are the most difficult at times because your really growing into your marriage and the idea that your intertwined. Now the idea of a marriage does not necessarily define you, but the mindset really clicks in at some point that you have confessed your love before God, family, and friends that this is your soulmate.
Truly I love myself and what I really want to do is provide that love to someone to receive it back. Sometimes I feel restricted to give love or show love to know that I won't even get it back at times. Does that make sense? I don't know if it does, but that feels like the situation I am in unintentionally. Some days it is okay to be affectionate, some does it is bad very bad. Some days I may get what I need, some days I will not. I wonder if this is how it is suppose to work or is this something to work on?
Lately I have been consumed around me by so many things that sometimes I do not know how to manage. I want to tell someone, but what I really need is a hug and that it will be okay. Maybe a listening ear that hears me. Maybe I just need someone to be there in that moment with me to pull me out. I have been feeling alone in my thoughts at times. It is as if I put all this energy in people to be concerned, help advise, or just be there when I can't even get that for myself. Heck sometimes I get so scared to even share lately that I let things eat me up inside. I feel like I have no outlet lately or safe place that I can be understood, held, and told that "I got your back". It is the little things that matter and make the difference as I don't feel like I am that complex. How did I get to this feeling? Well I could get into it......but again even through writing ....would anyone really listen? Thoughts to paper, thoughts to electronics. Electronics don't listen, people do. It really is weird because even writing I do not feel safe. I don't want no one to think anything of me as a person nor the people I am referring to be judgmental. Can that even happen?
I don't know where to begin....
6 years ago