It has definitely been a minute since I put digital words to digital paper. I always thought about making this blog public. Over the time when I first started this, people use to blog.... but now they v-log. V-log is more of doing videos about your life instead of writing about it. I may look into doing that at some point. I have not decided but back to what is really on my mind......
Well, there would no question my marriage was up and down. However, my marriage ended up ending at the top of July legally. If i be all the way honest with myself, my marriage was over long time ago way before this year. There really is not a definite pin point of when I knew it was over. Well, let me correct that. I always had hope before the first instant that divorce was discussed and approached. I felt like we could come back from anything at the time. After we reconciled in 2020 to move forward from things that we felt had held us back, I do not think my partner was fully in a space to do what he stated. Like I, he stated he wanted to work on our marriage. I did as well but I wanted him to be sure that he wanted to really fight and be in the marriage. I suggested that we divorced at the time and that he work on himself to be sure that I was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with...... you know ... a lifetime partner. He insisted he wanted to work and be better for us, but to his point.....he came back into our marriage as changed. He was shut off, not fully present, emotionless, and just like he was going something.
Clearly something was going on but changing counseling team did not seem to do the trick, We still were not intimate and it only seemed like things were getting worse at this point. I thought that "#lovewins". I thought that if you kept fighting and loved hard enough, this could overcome any type of disfunction or negativity. You know the saying .... "love conquers all". I always had loved myself but I had build so much empathy and concern for my partner that I started to forget about myself. I was concerned about his well being more than my own which was not good as my spouse was focused on his own well being and not that of how I was doing.
I would say the last two years was an exhausting fight to keep us going but it did not seem to penetrate the hurt and damaged heart of my spouse. He was going through trauma and issues that were way above and bigger than I could even image. It was things he was holding back and scared to share but always was summed up as "I got a lot going on". Never did get a clear understanding on all that as I know life is hard for each of us in our own way. It just never became clear on what those things exactly were.
Purposely leaving things out, takes us to where I am now. I have become part of the divorced club or rather single. Single but wiser and smarter. I came out of it learning a lot about myself and my capacity to love. Not only that but I have become a better communicator and definitely have a high emotional IQ. I have kept silent this time around on details and things purposely because I should not have to defend or feel justify things to anyone. It is sad and no one will truly know as accountability and ownership will never be fully taken. What I do know and have stated is that I am disappointed. I sought a forever love and did not receive it. I loved as hard as I could and did all I could to be part of someones healing journey and that did not become possible. One has to want to be healed and want to be better.
Now many of you are thinking, you will have to go through the pain and hurt of it all. The thing about it all as I am learning is that ..... yes it is a process. However, when not being connected to someone so long ..... I was hurt more during the marriage than after. I would have never went the route of divorce unless I felt there was another option and I had something to fight for. Once someone let's you know it is done and the marriage is no longer a priority, there is nothing else to fight for. I chose "us" not me. However, he chose himself. Not mad or upset but I know he was dealing with a lot more than what actually said.
Perhaps I will back of from how I got here and leave that for a different post. I am here. I have had a lot of good happen. I live back alone. I have my car, a roof, and my job. I have a reduced friend circle as I understand not everyone is meant for you. I have observed being popular and liked cause of marriage and when all the glitz and glam is gone....being the regular degular guy. I never had a big circle of friends and always had as many to count on one hand. I have seen people come and got but those that truly love and support me where I am regardless of what is going on has been amazing to observe. There was a point where I did not even want to be on this Earth. Not many knew how much energy I was giving to a situation that perhaps was already dead. I can say that I did and exhausted everything. To get to where I am now, I am content on how I performed and handled everything. There is a lot I could share and in time I will. However, this is now my new normal. Being about to focus on me and continue to ensure my own success. Enjoying and support those that enjoy me and support me back. Appreciating those people that actually see me for David and enjoy me being calm, reserved, goofy, nerdy, sensitive, smart, intelligent, caring, silly, and kind hearted without having ill intent to hurt degrade or take from who I am.
I will continue to love on me and love love. I will never give up on marriage and love but perhaps take more time if necessary. I do know that there is not a book on this nor is there a time limit for loving someone on or anything of that nature. I will not change or become a bitter version of me, but more of a smarter version of me. One that knows what I can do, I can handle, and willing to put up with. No this is not to say times were all bad, but if I do reflect back..... I fought til it was no longer an option to fight anymore. This is me....this is my new normal.....being reborn.
No comments:
Post a Comment