The New Normal - Reborn

 It has definitely been a minute since I put digital words to digital paper. I always thought about making this blog public. Over the time when I first started this, people use to blog.... but now they v-log. V-log is more of doing videos about your life instead of writing about it. I may look into doing that at some point. I have not decided but back to what is really on my mind......

Well, there would no question my marriage was up and down. However, my marriage ended up ending at the top of July legally. If i be all the way honest with myself, my marriage was over long time ago way before this year. There really is not a definite pin point of when I knew it was over. Well, let me correct that. I always had hope before the first instant that divorce was discussed and approached. I felt like we could come back from anything at the time. After we reconciled in 2020 to move forward from things that we felt had held us back, I do not think my partner was fully in a space to do what he stated. Like I, he stated he wanted to work on our marriage. I did as well but I wanted him to be sure that he wanted to really fight and be in the marriage. I suggested that we divorced at the time and that he work on himself to be sure that I was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with...... you know ... a lifetime partner. He insisted he wanted to work and be better for us, but to his point.....he came back into our marriage as changed. He was shut off, not fully present, emotionless, and just like he was going something. 

Clearly something was going on but changing counseling team did not seem to do the trick, We still were not intimate and it only seemed like things were getting worse at this point. I thought that "#lovewins". I thought that if you kept fighting and loved hard enough, this could overcome any type of disfunction or negativity. You know the saying .... "love conquers all". I always had loved myself but I had build so much empathy and concern for my partner that I started to forget about myself. I was concerned about his well being more than my own which was not good as my spouse was focused on his own well being and not that of how I was doing. 

I would say the last two years was an exhausting fight to keep us going but it did not seem to penetrate the hurt and damaged heart of my spouse. He was going through trauma and issues that were way above and bigger than I could even image. It was things he was holding back and scared to share but always was summed up as "I got a lot going on". Never did get a clear understanding on all that as I know life is hard for each of us in our own way. It just never became clear on what those things exactly were.

Purposely leaving things out, takes us to where I am now. I have become part of the divorced club or rather single. Single but wiser and smarter. I came out of it learning a lot about myself and my capacity to love. Not only that but I have become a better communicator and definitely have a high emotional IQ. I have kept silent this time around on details and things purposely because I should not have to defend or feel justify things to anyone. It is sad and no one will truly know as accountability and ownership will never be fully taken. What I do know and have stated is that I am disappointed. I sought a forever love and did not receive it. I loved as hard as I could and did all I could to be part of someones healing journey and that did not become possible. One has to want to be healed and want to be better. 

Now many of you are thinking, you will have to go through the pain and hurt of it all. The thing about it all as I am learning is that ..... yes it is a process. However, when not being connected to someone so long ..... I was hurt more during the marriage than after. I would have never went the route of divorce unless I felt there was another option and I had something to fight for. Once someone let's you know it is done and the marriage is no longer a priority, there is nothing else to fight for. I chose "us" not me. However, he chose himself. Not mad or upset but I know he was dealing with a lot more than what actually said. 

Perhaps I will back of from how I got here and leave that for a different post. I am here. I have had a lot of good happen. I live back alone. I have my car, a roof, and my job. I have a reduced friend circle as I understand not everyone is meant for you. I have observed being popular and liked cause of marriage and when all the glitz and glam is gone....being the regular degular guy. I never had a big circle of friends and always had as many to count on one hand. I have seen people come and got but those that truly love and support me where I am regardless of what is going on has been amazing to observe. There was a point where I did not even want to be on this Earth. Not many knew how much energy I was giving to a situation that perhaps was already dead. I can say that I did and exhausted everything. To get to where I am now, I am content on how I performed and handled everything. There is a lot I could share and in time I will. However, this is now my new normal. Being about to focus on me and continue to ensure my own success. Enjoying and support those that enjoy me and support me back. Appreciating those people that actually see me for David and enjoy me being calm, reserved, goofy, nerdy, sensitive, smart, intelligent, caring, silly, and kind hearted without having ill intent to hurt degrade or take from who I am. 

I will continue to love on me and love love. I will never give up on marriage and love but perhaps take more time if necessary. I do know that there is not a book on this nor is there a time limit for loving someone on or anything of that nature. I will not change or become a bitter version of me, but more of a smarter version of me. One that knows what I can do, I can handle, and willing to put up with. No this is not to say times were all bad, but if I do reflect back..... I fought til it was no longer an option to fight anymore. This is me....this is my new normal.....being reborn.

Caution Ahead

Deep in my head with thoughts of “how”, “why”, and still wondering how did I get to this point. Never thought that things would get so out of hand. Honestly, looking back, things happen for their own reason. The overall plan was set in motion by no one but God. There is nothing to bad that could not be resolve or fixed. 

Something broke between two people. Something that usually can be repaired. However, it takes to people to want to repair, mend, or fix the love. I cannot believe I witnessed a love break and there was no equal fight to fix it. There, I stood, alone trying to revive the love that was breaking apart before me. I tried to pick up the pieces and put it back together but my other half did not have the fight within him to pick up the pieces that had dropped from his heart or mine. It was as if the love was not good enough for him anymore. It was as if he didn’t want it or have a desire for the love that had been present or trying to grow stronger. Instead he was ready to run away and leave everything where it was. More of retreating and hiding from it.

It amazes me how things have shaped up. There should be nothing to difficult for two people in love to overcome if the love is strong. But it appears that it wasn’t strong enough. I stand here and think to myself, if roles were reversed, would I have made the same conclusions and decisions. Honestly, I would not. I believe in forgiveness and exercise empathy. I would be able to understand, forgive, and move forward. People make mistakes and for every action there is a reaction whether good or bad. But there isn’t many things that can’t be undone or reversed. 

Love is a powerful thing. Love can do so many different things good and bad. Love has the power to heal but also can hurt. 

Another old post that was not published........ 6/7/20

Disconnected from your Connection

I do not even know where to start. I have backspaced like several times in order to figure out how to start, but I am letting the words stick whether it makes sense or not.

I think I am experiencing that many challenges in life that the world throws at people. Nothing that is unique to any other persons struggle, but life is hard! I feel so disconnected from those that I felt bonded or close to. Not sure how to explain it, but it is like trying to connect to your home Wi-Fi. You know it has had a strong connection, but all of a sudden it just won't connect no matter what you try.

This was a post made in 2019 but who knew it would lead to adjustments being made.

Praying for Peace

No one ever wants to wake up to negative or bad news. On this day, I woke up hearing the worst bad news. My brother, my best friend had got into a bad car accident. Once the friend started to get into the details about what happened, I could not list anymore. I instantly went into tears and passed the phone to my husband. I felt like a ton of bricks fell on me. As if my conversation with my mom wasn't bad enough a day and half prior, this hurt badly. So many things ran through my mind such as "Oh my God", "Head surgery?", "Will he be okay", "I won't be able to handle if he does not make it", "I wish I could up and leave to where he is", and the list goes on.

My mind works in such a fast paced way. So many things raced through my head as the tears roll down by face. I could only hear things my friend would say to me in my head and play conversations where we had discussions of "what if...". It scares me but also leaves in my head that anything can happy to any one of us at any given time. This is why you always check on loved ones, family, and friends while they are here. You cherish those while the opportunity allows you today. Do not put off things until tomorrow as things are never promised. It saddens me still as the tears roll down as my brother means so much to me. He was there for me when no one else was around as I hid my true self from the world. He supported me and never judged me for the choices made or mistakes I made. He listened and connected me to other people that are like family to me to this day.

I should not speaking like he is not here anymore as I know that he will pull out of this as a full recovery. I just never desire to see anyone hurt or be in pain. I guess the flip side of that is that I wish I never was hurt or in pain nor do I want to see anyone suffer if I can help it. If I had the opportunity to absorb peoples hurt and pain, I would. I guess that is just how big my heart is when it comes to people I care about.

I know that I am in a waiting pattern until my brother comes out of his sleep. I know once he pulls through all this he will be well rested and ready to plan his next trip. Hopefully he can still come see the new home once it is built. If not, I totally get it but I can always facetime or send pictures.

This post even though you may not know it is here.....it is for you bro! Praying for your recovery!

Can Anybody Hear Me Right Now?

I needed a moment to see if anybody still can see this? It is fathers day and I feel semi down about the holiday. It is Sunday evening and I just got back from a going away party for three friends. I guess I can call them friends as I even felt emotion during the event knowing that we would not be able to hang out anymore. One person leaving tomorrow actually made me very sad. I really been masking how much I cared for this person as a friend as I tried to hold back the tears. She was very cool, caring, talkative, and energetic. Me being somewhat introverted, it really takes a lot to understand someone of her personality to be able to handle. I almost broke down in tears every minute I felt it was close to the event ending. So many emotions of people leaving my life, feeling alone in my emotions, and overwhelmed..... I just wanted someone to let me know that it was okay.

I don't know today was just a rough day. Hell, the weekend was a rough weekend. I really wanted to take advantage of the time and spend time laughing, having fun, and forming moments. It almost feels like an epic fail thought. Why? Well, it is 10:22 p.m. on a Sunday night and I am home along with nothing but an "I am really sorry" as the last text from my husband. While dried up tears still exist from my face. It hurts me deeply that there is no one here to inquire why I am sad, am I okay, and ask me how I feel. I know I am deep in my feelings, but I am really in a bad space right now with so many things going on that I really do not have control over. As someone recently told me, I should start putting myself first. When will I listen?

Can You Hear Me, Can You See Me?

I been on a roll these last couple days. I never realized how much energy it takes to write or rather type these things. There are so many things that trigger a reaction out of me lately. I think I am just overwhelmed with so much. Every time I think I handled one thing, there is something else that comes at me.

Well, you wonder what is on my mind today?

.......

So much!

Should I even reach out to my mother? Still have not heard from her. It is just a shame to know someone out there that has birthed you, a provider, a supporter, a protector, and a guide decides when they do not want to be bothered with you. Never wonder what I am going through or if they can help but always come at you with issues. It becomes so draining. It is like I am okay for a while, then somehow I get sucked back into a feeling of no family ....no love. It is a terrible feeling, but I manage. I guess she will come around at her own time. However, being as grown as I am I hate to turn my back, but at some point I need to just fully get to the point where it does not affect me at all. Eh, it is what it is. I know one thing, I will not be the one to exert my energy out to get hurt again. Right now I will just have to manage with things as they currently are.

To be honest, at times I sit and wonder do people even hear me ......let alone see me. I have been told my actions speak louder than words at times. I do know I can make my words speak louder than my actions for those that cannot see. Sometimes I feel that people choose to ignore both. I think this holds true even in my own marriage at times. Everyone is a work in progress and I know nothing is never perfect, but sometimes I feel invisible. What I have been told is that the first two years are the most difficult at times because your really growing into your marriage and the idea that your intertwined. Now the idea of a marriage does not necessarily define you, but the mindset really clicks in at some point that you have confessed your love before God, family, and friends that this is your soulmate.

Truly I love myself and what I really want to do is provide that love to someone to receive it back. Sometimes I feel restricted to give love or show love to know that I won't even get it back at times. Does that make sense? I don't know if it does, but that feels like the situation I am in unintentionally. Some days it is okay to be affectionate, some does it is bad very bad. Some days I may get what I need, some days I will not. I wonder if this is how it is suppose to work or is this something to work on?

Lately I have been consumed around me by so many things that sometimes I do not know how to manage. I want to tell someone, but what I really need is a hug and that it will be okay. Maybe a listening ear that hears me. Maybe I just need someone to be there in that moment with me to pull me out. I have been feeling alone in my thoughts at times. It is as if I put all this energy in people to be concerned, help advise, or just be there when I can't even get that for myself. Heck sometimes I get so scared to even share lately that I let things eat me up inside. I feel like I have no outlet lately or safe place that I can be understood, held, and told that "I got your back". It is the little things that matter and make the difference as I don't feel like I am that complex. How did I get to this feeling? Well I could get into it......but again even through writing ....would anyone really listen? Thoughts to paper, thoughts to electronics. Electronics don't listen, people do. It really is weird because even writing I do not feel safe. I don't want no one to think anything of me as a person nor the people I am referring to be judgmental. Can that even happen?

Two Sides to One Story

Wow! From me writing the last entry to then so many things happened in such a short time.

First off, it appears that a friend of mine house got broken into. It was sad to hear cause I can only imagine how scary that can be. I wish I was closer to where I could help him out, but I am not. I can only send a prayer up that this shall pass. To look on the bright side, he still has his life. Luckily he was not at home while it was happening. It was hard to hear how distraught, but I know things will get better. I will do my part to check up and all.

I guess the main thing that got my heart is the state that my sister currently is in. It almost feels like she is so close to a breaking point. What happens when someone reaches a breaking point? It is so hard hearing all the struggles that she has with her relationships and her kids. Guess things like this is bound to happen when you lack love from home or immediate family. So one way to compensate is by finding someone that you hope can provide you that love that you feel you never received or require. There is a book about this kind of analysis of relationships and how we choose mates that reflect or relate to people we have encountered in our life. It is called "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix.A good read if you have the time.

I wish I could be there and help her but I cannot. I am miles away to be of any real help except a listening ear and a virtual shoulder to cry on. She had to get rid of her baby daddy for her own sake. What she shared with me was the fact that he was verbally abusive and an alcoholic drunk. Oh by the way she mentioned he was cheating on her with various women as he always hit the bar. Not sure if she necessarily caught him in the "sexual act" but she felt she had enough evidence as she went through the phone and seen all the conversations with women and incriminating evidence. Him being a 44 year old man that had brought a baby girl into the world should understand that he would never want his daughter to go through such similar situations in regards to love. What parent that cares would allow their child to get hurt by some random stranger that claims they are in love. Be it the stranger has an ulterior motive to get what they can out of the person which varies from sex, money, self esteem, power, or some other stupid form of gratification.

It is very sad that she has to go through this but I really think she is going through her time of a breakthrough. The only way of her getting out of this drama is to realize she truly has the power and the option to choose her path. She can remain a victim and continue to be at people's mercy due to their emotional or mental state or she could choose to be happy. She has to define what happiness means to her. I would think that at this moment that she would reflect on all the choices that she has made in her life that led her to this current point. I feel she should let her kids go and love them from a distance. It is unfortunate that they are going through what they are going through as far as manipulation of their father and wrapped up in the material things in love instead of true love of a mother. They will realize one day that material things will only get them so far as it comes and goes. Sad that my youngest nephew already dealing with court cases and following in the footsteps of his father.........weed,,,,drug possessions and the law. I pray that he does not become a jail statistic due to following his fathers footsteps. Now my niece is in school fighting? She was so innocent and so nice when she was younger but without having her mothers love and understanding that she is a victim of her father......a pawn ......all of them a pawn to get back at my mom......."that" they will never understand until they are older. I just hope that one day they find their way back.

My sister really needs to focus on herself and just pray for her 3 kids that went astray. As for her current child, she just need to learn from the previous experience to ensure her 2 year old daughter does not get caught up in the same manipulation. Even the issues of the current baby father does not have to be a repeat of what has happened with the other kids father. I just hope she makes the better choice for her child and herself.

Still sad that I do not think my mother is in the state to even help, console, and provide advice to move forward. Better yet, she is not even talking to me. It sucks, but these are the tings that keep me up at night. I guess I always end up absorbing the pain of others and somehow they form as a part of my pain and my stress. I wish there was a way to really let go of my concerns and the pain I feel at times. One day, I will learn how......hopefully before it all consumes me.