Is Anyone Listening? Part 2

Here goes with the part 2. My feelings right now are so mixed. My relationship ended a while back. So lets briefly recap this year as far as how I got to this point.

Entered a relationship in the February time frame. Yes it was someone that I felt that could have possibly been a soulmate. Friends for a while and something that was tried a few years previous. I thought we had grown and had more of an understanding of each other. Everything did feel right and maybe it went faster than expected to go from one relationship to enter dating and another one but don't judge me. I usually act on my heart and try to act on gut than anything else. I refuse to change how I feel and also to stop being the heart felt person and generous person just because of a bad apple or experience.

Nonetheless, we dated and started to become reacquainted. Everything started to feel right. We went places, we exchanged gifts, we kissed, we held and we would make out. The reason this had ended previously was because the person didnt have time or I felt like the person did not have time for me. The job seemed to take priority over the relationship in my eyes and to me action speaks volumes as opposed to saying words all the time. So in this relationship there seemed to be a lot of lingering issues formed from things that did not need to be. One being a trust issue that needed to be dealt with and resentment from a failed relationship in the past. I guess maybe I should have took those as signs of what was yet to come. I have never been in a relationship where there was a lack of intimacy or a sexless relationship. I always wondered if it was me, my gut tells me it was partially me. Why was it so, because as much as two people can say they love each other, does not necessarily mean they are meant to be together is what I have learned from this. For me and just for me, a relationship has to have a balance of the emotional, mental, physical, and sexual. If one of those are not being met then it becomes a problem. A need is not being met. In this relationship it started off as a sexual issue. The person I was with could not have sex with me. I was not excitable enough to make things happen. Let's dig deeper. If a person, really wants to make you happy and see you feeling down.... then they will do what it takes to fix the situation. They will not watch you suffer internally. I am not saying that this individual watched me suffer on person, but I thought it was something I could deal with with a smile. I thought it would be temporary. Now if you have been keeping up in my blog from the start you will see there has been some struggles I have dealt with regarding neglect, abandoned, and just with people not understanding the needs of myself. Now I am not going to say I am a saint and perfect by any means, but if I know that something is bothering someone or that I am not meeting the needs of someone....I will do what it takes to fix that and make the sacrifices to correct that situation as I would expect the same. I feel like I was sexually deprived and in a relationship that lacked intimacy from the point that I was not enough to make this person see me as important to fix and address the situation. Now I know sometimes people deal with things at their own time but when you are in a relationship, what affects you affects the BOTH of you. I was truly affect by the lack of intimacy. I did not feel important because there was not a push to change. I just am use to when people say they are affected by ones action or something is bothering them, that someone would listen and make the change to fix the situation. Maybe not fix but acknowledge and start a plan to remedy the situation. You know if a baby cries and you never see what the matter is, the baby will continue to cry and grow up feeling neglected because they were never tended to. I felt like I wasnt being heard. Like I waved my hand in the air saying I need you I need this aspect of you, but was being ignored. I just wanted to be a team and if there is a medical issue lets tackle it, if it is something that I need to do differently, tell me what that is and I can fix it. Instead it was a struggle trying to get to root and to this day I will never know what the root is.

Let's delve deeper into my thoughts regarding this. You have two people that love one another and have no problem verbally expressing this. However, in an intimte setting, there is not much expression of love. There is hugging and holding at night. What went from masterbation with one another went to just waking up and going to work and coming home hugging and sitting on the couch or cooking and then the day rinse and repeat. No love making at night. The attempts I made to do so were rejected by not feeling it, tired, or its too early in the morning. I felt rejected at that point. Why should I continue to try if I keep being pushed away. But what or how should you feel if the person was flirting with other indivuduals or masterbating without you being around. Looking at flicks to gain self pleasure instead of pleasing their partner. What was the driving force that allowed this individual to get excited to watching men have sex or the thrill of talking to someone that is not even in reach when you had someone right there in the same house that wanted to provide and give you the same type of love sexually. I didn't understand it because it didnt make sense. I could only base my conclusions off things I visually seen and by action. There was not an explainable reason and when I opened up and asked I always got "it isnt me, it isnt always about me". True enough but then what was it about. If you know it isnt me or about me then how do you know if you cant even explain your actions or behavior or why you do the things you do? Well, I tried to communicate and come up with things or ways to address the situation such as seeking a doctor, medicine, therapy. However, at the very beginning I received so much flack and resistance for being caring as if I was expecting to get person gain or happiness by this. I thought that if two people love each other and one person is not receiving the needs of the other, that you are suppose to voice those needs and respond and act. I thought as a team we would make better by talking to a doctor, but I came off forceful by pushing the issue of seeking a doctor.I will admit I was wrong for calling the doctor and having them run addition tests. There are a lot of things I could have approached differently but when you feel that you are being deprived of things that should be natural or you deserve sometimes you just want things to be in motion or addressed. I felt things were being avoided to make the situation comfortable but I was not. I was feeling sexually deprived afterwhile. Things that was found out that it was partially medically as levels were low. Along with that there were other things health wise such as blood pressure and diabetes that was not under control. You would think that if things like this were being said then it would not be a question of getting these things in check to better the relationship, but things actually went in the opposite direction. Things were being left unaddressed due to their job which they began to excel in. There just appeared to be as if we started to become on two different planes. One relationship driven and the other career driven.

I will never get or understand what the underlying force was that caused such a big drift in the relationship but there may be things that I will never understand. But I do understand this, I am not sure if there really is a true blame to why or what caused things to end like they did. I can say that I still care and however it is hard to look and deal with this individual due to feelings but I am accepting. I am not mad at the outcome of the situation, but I will I coulduve read the signs earlier for myself. I feel like I deprived myself from basic needs that I should have had consistently. You should never have to continually ask for needs to be met and even if you make clear that "this is what I need" and the person cannot fulfill them then it does not necessarily mean that that person is a bad person but that person may not be compatible with you to understand how to meet your needs. It is not rocket science. It is a connection that should be established that if a person is crying for you, you will find out what is wrong and make them smile again. If intimacy is an issue, then something will be done to correct that. More kissing, more holding, more romancing, taking that extra step to address and make you feel important and number one. I understand that when you truly find that one that you truly are in love with, you do things that you would not normally do. You step out of the comfort zone not feeling forced but because you aim to please that individual. Things are not done by force but out of love. There never becomes a question of "do you love me" or "do you still care about me" because it becomes evident through not only words but the actions of the individual and the heart. You never have to second guess a persons love because it will show and be there in actions. You never should feel like your second or third to anything because you begin to become a priority once that bond is formed. It is a bond that cannot be broken when it becomes so heart tight and locked. I see and understand this now. I have said previously, people are put in your life for a reason and not always mean to be therefore forever. Some a season, some a month, some a year, and some just a little while. This is to learn the lessons of life to be equiped to move forward. And even though somtimes it may be hard to understand this concept of life and why some people are put there, it is something you have to quickly learn and adapt else you end up in complicated situations that are unnecessary emotional, mentally, and unfortunately physically.

I am learning that there is no blame to why the situation ended how it did, but we were two people who cared about each other but were at two different places in their life and defined relationships in two different ways. Not wrong but that person was not for me or not the person to meet my needs or could understand how to meet my needs and I was not the person that could make them treat me how I needed to be treated. We will learn for this and eventually run into that person that makes us feel special. Make us feel rejuvenated and brand new, Make us feel how we want to feel and treat us how we want to be treated. My needs will be met without having to beg and cry for it. I love myself and I am sure someone out there will see my heart and love me as well the way I need to be loved in such a relationship. I am also sure that I will run across someone that I will touch and make feel like they have never felt before. I am being hopeful, trying to remain prayerful, and being positive. In it all, I hope someone is listening.