The Family Struggle Continues

It has been a while since I decided to write in this thing. I had to take a moment and actually reflect back on to previous entries to validate if I had made any progress. Well I will put my thoughts in this post which may come off long, but if anyone out there still reads this......you're in for some random thoughts,

Here I am sitting in the computer room thinking and wondering why do I still get so wrapped up in the idea of family. Reflecting back on years of posts, I still have not nor will I receive the love that I need from my family. It hurts deeply like a knife to the heart to think that I am here....they are there and no one wonders "how are you?", "what are you doing with yourself?", "what is your future plans?", or better yet "do you need anything?". Ha, I will never get asked "do I need anything". Hell, do they have anything to give?

I think it has been a good 20 years since graduating from high school and really entering the real world. I have been on my own navigating through life the safest way I can to get to where I am. Even before I graduated high school, I felt alone in the house with my mom. She was so disengaged from me and depressed with her own problems she had no idea how neglected I felt. Buying her time with checks from my job to get food for her to watch a movie with me. I do miss when I was a kid and she was happy and wanted to leave the house which now has become her prison, her "safe place" which provides her "comfort". She has no idea, the house is going to be her downfall. But whatever......

Back to me. A week ago was actually Mother's day. I called my mother to wish her a happy mothers day. She did not even answer the phone nor returned my call. Kinda hurt. Kinda? No, it did. I felt like man she can easily ignore more and not answer my call?! What if it was an emergency or I was dying or something happened. The last and only voice she would have heard of mine was "I just called to wish you a happy mothers day, I hope you enjoy your day".

A few days previous we had a disagreement. She called me to talk to me about my sister and her court case regarding her kids. Weird scenario but the father has custody of kids and my sister is made to pay child support. My sister youngest daughter had plotted against my sister by siding with the father to have my sister put in jail stating that she "hit" her and caused a bruise. Any who....the kids are playing against their mom and grandmother by using their grandmother to go over her house instead of my sister. This puts my mom and sister against one another before the court case for my sister to get custody of at least one of their children. My mother wanted to talk about how the kids come over there and in the same breathe talk about how bad they are. She has no clue she is being used. I wanted to let her know this by simply being honest from the version of the story my sister had told me which was similar to the story my mother was saying. My sister stopped letting the kids come over knowing that they let her go to jail over something their father plotted up to happen. However, the kids know they can't go to their mother house so they decided to go to their grandmother house. Basically using her. My mother is so slow, she letting them come over (maybe because she is lonely) knowing that her daughter (their mother) is not even letting them in her house. I simply told my mother that those are not her kids and she can't just go against the mother wishes especially if your suppose to support your daughter. She has to see the kids are using their grandmother to get back at their mom out of spite. Also, the father might be enforcing this. I suggested that my mom needs to just stay out but she would not listen to what I was saying and instead demanded I listen to her. She stated she understood they may be using her but they just kids. She went on and I listened and stopped talking. When I went to give my opinion she did not like what I had to say and wanted to keep over talking me. I feel that if a person that demands respect from you to listen to what they are saying, then they should be able to return that same gesture. Nope, she talked over me and did not allow me to get everything out cause she did not agree with my opinion (even though it was very much the truth about the kids and how she should not get in the middle of their issues only adding more frustration to her own daughter). The phone call ended in me having to hang up as I asked several times can I talk......

I called back right after and she did not answer. I called on mothers day and she did not answer. So no telling when she will call back again. Usually it is if she needs money or wants to hear my opinion on something (which she does not like to hear if it does not align with her own). So I guess we will go months without until she calls. I do not know why our relationship has to be this strained at this point. Funny thing about it, it has nothing to do with me.This phone calls, opinions of things usually have nothing to do with me but the fallout is always cause of me.

I don't know I can't win for losing. I still long for my mother to wake up one day from her years of depression and feeling hopeless at times to say....."Son, I am sorry......I know I am not perfect but I am sorry for all the years of hurt that I may have caused you......but I am here now....and it is never too late.....I really love you and may not have shown it in the way you needed it but I really want to try to make it up to you and be there for you now".......

Will this ever happen? Will she ever have a real honest conversations with me? Probably not. I have tried conversing about how I felt over the years, writing letters, but she never truly acknowledge them. Its always a lie or just making it up....yada yada.

I just wish I had the power to take away her pain, hurt, or loneliness. Maybe she would recognize me as being her son....the same one she gave birth to and appeared to love many years ago.

Vows

I vow to at least write once a year in here. I have no written in a while, but I must keep my blog up to date as it has become a reflection of my life since 2007.

I am now embarking on marriage. Me and my partner. It has been an excellent two year journey and the most interesting journey to say the least. I have not only met someone that loves me for me, but they value the same things I do. By no means are they perfect as I know I am not, but they are perfect for me. Perfect with flaws, perfect a person with goals, desires, and perfect with love. I can say I am happy. I am have learned to love and understand that love can love me back. I am still learned to accept the things I cannot change and with that it has much allowed me to easier deal with family and friends that may not fully support or understand me.

I have accepted the relationship with my mother and still working on accepting my relationship with my sister. However, the family on my dads side (include 2 sisters and 1 brother), I have been working on keeping in contact. My brother reached out to me the other day and I was amazed. Unfortunately, it took a tragedy to bring family close together, but sometimes you need a wake up call. I really hope it continues. Nonetheless, I have made many more friends through my fiance that have embraced our courtship and are very kind. I also still have maintained those friends on my side that are still support me. For all these things, I am thankful.

The big day is in August of 2014. I plan to make the deep plunge. I am excited and nervous at the same time, but it just feels right. I know it is right. Well this post will not be long, but its amazing how far I have transitioned from a broken young man to a grown more defined man. I have been truly blessed and know I am being watched over and cared for. Love you all!

New Year, Next Chapter

I am excited to start this new year off right. I have the career that I have sought out, a new car, a special someone in my life, and I am getting married. Yes, I am getting married. I know! A big update than a few months back. This one sneaked up on me, but when you feel that a person completes you and enhances your life when you were already doing great......you have to seize the opportunity right? I was testing this entry out to ensure my Blogger was still intact. I will have a more definitive entry soon when I can figure out how to merge my account with my GMail. Hope someone is still able to read this.....

Love Under New Management?

This will be short and sweet. I had a great weekend visiting a new place I had never been to before which was Springfield Missouri with one of my homeboys. We went to the mall, did some shopping, out to eat and hit up a bar. In the midst of hanging out with my homeboy, I had someone else on the brain. I started to come to a realization that I am starting to really fall for the person that I am dating without constraints or pressure. Even though we are long distance right now, we have already discussed future plans to mitigate the distance! Also, we have things mapped out through November!

It is a great feeling to be able to miss someone. When you are out and about and to think about "would they like this" or "would they wear this" or "wow they would love this". It puts a smile on my face when I hear from them and the times that they can't be reached, I just wonder if they are okay. The best thing about it all is that it is a great feeling overall.

I feel overwhelmed in a good way by the feelings at times. I guess ultimately love is under a new management for me. For that I am happy........

and feel that.....I can love again.....

Truth Moment

This one will be shorter than most, but over the past couple months I have not felt better. At one point, I felt like I was at my lowest low. Yes wearing the smile on my face constantly hides the hurt and pain I feel BUT lately things have been going so well.

First, I took the step to take control of things that I could control. Having sleeping problems was not an option no more. I did not want to accept sleep apnea and I decided to try to become more stress free. Along with that, I decided to also get more fit for myself. Having but the focus on doing such, I have changed my eating habits and started hitting the gym more. I have dropped a lot of weight and feel more energetic. This is great as I feel better about myself and just an overall good feeling.

I also have developed strong bonds and friendships. At one point, I had become disconnected from a lot of people due to the previous relationships. Since then, I have networked with people and have not been afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone of meeting new people and allowing people to know me for me without feeling I had to be something I was not or become prejudged. It feels good to be able to laugh and talk to people when you need a pick me up. It has made my days go faster better and has become a sense of belonging or family to me.

In addition, I have met someone that has become much more than a friend. It has been a slow process but it appears it has crept up on me. I have gotten to know an individual that actually accepts me for me flaws and all and shows me love that I have not experienced before. It is amazing how this person makes me feel as if I am being truly accepted for me as I am. I am still allowed to be me....video game loving...street clothes wearing....preppy and geeky at times...hip hop and r&b loving....foul mouth...HGTV watching....partially loner being....always travelling....goofy ..and highly sexual self. I truly love this person for allowing me to be me and in turn they have shown me love back. I just pray that it continues to grow into something more as dating has now become a lot more interesting. I have never stepped out there like I have now, but in addition....I have never taken my time as went as slow and cautious as I am now. Thing about it is that there is no pressure. I really don't want to make a mistake or experience a fucked up situation again. Hence, I want to be sure I know this person for them. I know there is a lot of love inside of me waiting to get out and this person will be very lucky to be able to experience true love as I am in hopes of being able to experience it in its most pure form. We are dating now and I am very happy. I never really reflected on it but it has given me the drive as motivation to continue to be better and for that I am thankful for them.

So this is my truth moment. I am now going to lay it down and reflect on where I am now as I really do feel happy! Good night!

Who Me?

I have had an interesting past couple of weeks. I can say that I have travelled to Houston and back to see my good friends. I took a random trip to Atlanta and back to hang with my friends there as well. I just been on the go. Since having been on the go someone has really shown an interest in me. Let's not say one ....but to keep it real.....I have made myself available to where people like me for me.

Let me repeat. I have begun to open up and allow people to actually like or love me for me. I am still working on opening myself up but it is a great feeling. Accept me for me or keep it moving right? Well there is one person that has shown interest in me and it feels nice to be mutual and not forced. It also feels good to not be pushed pressured for feel the need to have to be in a relationship or have to be directly put a label on something right off the back.

What happened to dating in 2013? What happened to getting to know someone and learning about them before establishing a relationship? What happened to courting and hanging out to work on being in tune with someone. I think an issue I had before was that I felt I had to be with someone or needed to be. Hell at times I felt pressured to be with someone for even if I wasn't ready but I felt that you might lose them. However I learned if it is meant to be it will be. I will never be put in a place where I feel trapped in something that I don't feel right or feel obligated to be in. Nor will I put my friends to the wayside to place a relationship in the forefront of everything. Don't get me wrong whomever I decide to go forward with will be important, but I realize there is still a balance that has to happen. Your true friends will understand and respect your relationship, but also you need to still respect the friendship? Make sense?

Well a mistake of mine is in past relationship, I strayed away from friends. Some I needed to drop because they were not adding value to my life but some I brushed off due to my relationship which I put first but allowed to be the only thing in my life. Then it became a complete dependency that shouldn't have been. I have learned that relationships should enhance your life not remove things from it. A healthy relationship allows you to grow.... "both" of you to grow together. It encompasses trust, honesty, and communication. It also allows you to still be nurtured as that individual but also allows you to share with one another. You shouldn't have to push your friends or family away. I did this and it was horrible. You should still be able to spend time with those love ones either with or without your other half being around in which there should be a trust factor there.

See I feel that transparency is the key. If you keep and open and honest line of communication and make sure you mean what you say and say what  you mean ....half the battle is won. Know what you want, know your worth, and if something doesn't please you speak on it and don't let it fester. Always be respectful and mindful of others opinion even loved ones. Not everything you have to agree on to understand and respect those ideals, ideas, and opinions goes a long way.

My current thought is that I want to really get to know someone before I jump and commit. Meaning being honest to what I feel and what I want and desire from a person. Also, learning what triggers a person various emotions, seeing the good and the bad, and sharing those memorable moments are what begins to count. It is the factor that helps make the decision of "is this situation for me?" "can I handle and do I feel I mesh with this person?"

You have to wonder though when getting to know someone are they truly doing what it takes to keep up with you......better yet keep you engaged? For me, I need to feel engaged in a person. You cannot do the same thing over and over and expect me to remain in tune with you. You have to be creative and find new ways to communicate, new ways to grow, new ways to become in tune, new ways to create memorable moments, which all equals to keeping things fresh and new. Not all times will be happy times or upbeat, but thing should overall keep getting better and better and if it isn't then what is really going on? Has someone became complacent or do the person really understands what drives you? Does the person really knows what brings out the best in you or what makes you happy and can they do this on a consistent basis?

Well I will close this to say that I hope that of all the people I have encountered that this one particular soul understands what it takes to really know me. Also, for me to be accountable that I understand what it takes to really know this individual. I have been tired of investing in someone that is not willing to invest in me, but sometimes you have to take risks and leap. I guess I say all this to say that I am taking it slow, but I know it will pay off in the end because either it will be the result of realizing this person is not the one for me to take as a lesson learned or I will realize this person was meant for me and will continue to grow. There are so many things going on in my life right now, but I will not allow any negativity to come over me anymore if I can help it. I will take control of the situations that I can control. I feel I am in a good place......and to say ....for years I felt invisible. No one really recognized me or knew me for me. So to say back to the world "who me?". Are you really seeing me and noticing me for who I am? I have enclosed myself around great positive friends that I enjoy. Friends from ATL to Houston to the depths of Kentucky to ST Louis and other places that have remained and seen the true me for who I am and love me for me without judgment. I guess the one questions is can Louisiana see me for who I truly am as I see them? Can Louisiana show me love. Can Louisiana keep it as fresh and dynamic? Only time will tell as I love to travel.

Ok I am tired and going to bed. Yes I am still writing and sharing my thoughts. Hope this was helpful to someone and would not mind getting feedback from any other bloggers.

Where Am I Now?

It has definitely been a minute and I am in a good place. I have so much embraced who I am and what defines me. I am not perfect by any means but I am okay with who I am now. Each day is a step further in the right direction. Even though at times I feel like I am taking a step back, it actually is a life lesson to a step forward.

One thing is that I have developed a circle of people that I enjoy hanging around and embrace me and enjoy me as well. I have been travelling again and even done some spontaneous travelling which has been good for me to unwind from the long days of work. I went to a graduation for a very good friend of mine and it was great to see people doing great things with their life. He now has his first corporate job. I made connections with other people in Houston which made me feel special, wanted, and like I was actually apart of something. Houston definitely left an impact on me and was one of the highlights of this year.

Another highlight is the trip to Atlanta that I made just this past weekend. It was very refreshing on a couple of different levels. One there is a friend that never got to experience the "lifestyle" and had formed their own opinion and fled away from it. He was then forced, well coached into this past weekend and now has a different outlook on the lifestyle and now is motivated to get the body right and go out more. I think he really just need some close friends that are really to pay attention and spend time but it was refreshing how one can change a persons outlook on life or on an aspect of life.

In addition, to changing an aspect, I had a blast. I spent time with my play brother and our mutual friends as we rolled deep this weekend. I went to a card party, went to clubs, went to the mall, and just did it up in safe fun. It was a great time. The thing about this trip is that it was not planned which actually made it more exciting. I just randomly put the clothes in my car and just made a decision to go hang out. I much needed it though.

As far as people, I feel that I have made much headway in making connections with people. I have become more open with myself in saying this is me, love me or hate me I will be okay.

I am becoming open and ready to clean the slate to embrace what is yet to come. I have come so far from this blog, 2007 to current, as the journey still continues. I am becoming ready for love and what it has to offer so I can reciprocate its offering. I just want to remain blessed and have my blessings increase. Thank you for continuing to read my blog whoever you are as the dark days are coming to end as more sunny days are coming through.