Party for 1......Make that 4.....

Well, it's like this.......I had been told long ago I had other sisters and brothers out there, but I have no idea where to find them. So the thought that I have family out there that I have no clue where they are or what they look like or if they even know about me bothers me so very much. Today, I phone to my mother to see if I could get more information, but it seems every time I ask about them I get either a different response or rather no cooperation. My father, when he was around, never spoke of them so I didn't even know of them until I was in my teens and was semi-curious of them. However, today, I am more curious than ever as to where they are, what they are doing, and so many things to ask them. Mainly, I want to know, if my father treated them the same way he treated me....abandon basically and want nothing to do with me after a divorce. Yeah yeah, I know I am older now and some things I should get over, but you cannot help but wonder if some cycles just repeat themselves over and over.

Well speaking with my mother really didn't help at all. It's as if she is working against me to find them then for me. Why is that? Is there something they know that I do not? Do she not want me to find them and get to know them for a reason? She knows their name and everything and said she knows someone that knows their whereabouts, but she doesn't want to tell me where to start. Her response, "Where they at and what they doing don't have anything to do with me"? So what! What about me.....how about it matters to me. So now it makes me very curious. I have one brother supposedly in Florida now, and two sisters that are supposedly in the same city my mother is in. What makes this even worse is that I am a junior, but come to find out my brother has the same name as me so I guess I am not really a junior anymore huh?

Is it a waste of time to look for them and get to know them at this point of my life, or should I become more curious and start looking for them myself? Where should I start? How do you look for someone with very little leads? What do my readers think?

Dysfunctional Thoughts After Surviving Another Year

So I just turned 26 yesterday and God has allowed me to live another year! Thank youuuuu...

So since I have been behind in my posting of my blog already, I owe my blog some love. So yo, I had my birthday yesterday and it seemed like a regular day at the most, but since I was able to spend it with the real people who cared and heard from the real people I care about made the day worth wild.

After having such a good vacation on Miami Beach. I had a pretty chill birthday. I went out to eat, went to the movies and seen Jodi Foster act a fool in "The Brave One", and received phone calls and texts from people wishing me a happy b-day.

Then a couple of thoughts have been running through my head. They are completely random and I may get real personal and deep for a second, but many family. Family are suppose to bring you up, be there when you need them, and all the rest of the good things you see from all those old family tv shows like Family Matters, Full House, and Family Ties. But really, family aren't hardly like that even though we wish they were. I was a little bit hurt when my own mother didn't remember my age or could it be due to her own age. I don't know she has a lot of stress going on in her life and I cannot be there like I wish I could be, but sometimes I feel so oligated to her. Should I? Should I even detail within my blog this story so people can get more of a view of what I feel on the inside? I don't know. Fingers trembling. If someone asks you for money all the time, but you never truly see where it goes should you worry or question it? If someone claims they have bills coming from here and there, but as much money you give them they still seem like they in trouble, what do you do? If someone has been waiting for years on a settlement.....let's say about 15 years ....on a case settlement and nothing has come yet which is their reason for not working should they give up on the settlement and move on or keep on keeping the faith? I could go on and on, but I am not sure who is reading or what I string of post I might stir up from this one. I'll see what responses I get and decide whether to detail these inner thoughts.

Until then Latah.....

Florida to End the Summer

So I went on a trip to Miami Beach, Florida to get away and forget about all the stress that I was currently facing. A planned trip for the Labor day weekend is what made me appreciate where I am in life currently. A five day weekend, just me and my dude. I realized that even though he can get on my nerves at times, he does balance me on the qualities I do not possess.

To detail the trip though, I thought I was balla status the whole time. Spending money here and there, just making the best time out of 5 days away from work and without being bothered with money hungry family members. I got a massage (water massage), went on a couple of tours of Miami to see all the celebrity homes and hot spots, had some expensive gourmet chef made meals, and chilled on the beach to top off this whole vacation. I feel it was well deserved I feel. I mean there's nothing wrong with treating yourself and a loved one to a good time every now and then. I mean people sometimes need to get away to clear the dome right?

So to get to the interesting part. This was a chance to not only get away, but to go to a type of club I wouldn't regularly go to in my own area. I mean really I haven't even been to many clubs period before so I am still trying to understand the excitement of the scene. So I got put up on a club called clubboi. Very interesting name and the location was even wild. It was just off the freeway in the hood. Yo, it couldn't have been a better location. On the real....it was ghetto, but interesting ghetto, you got ya preps and pretty boyz, the thugs, the drag queens, the thugged out drag queens, and well I am sure of you get the drift. Then there was me added to this crowd of people. Eyes wide open, against the wall as if there was a secret killer in the club out to get me and the wall was my only place of refuge to hide. However, after a few vodka and cranberry drinks, I took the hand of my dude and went to the dance floor and acted as if it was just me and him out there enjoying the music and having fun. The DJ was playing all the hits and the "what's hot"....with me being a music lover and all that shit was all good. It was also that exact moment that all the weight on my shoulders suddenly and the stress of the world went away. I was enjoying myself and having fun, just my dude and I.

Put me to Bed .. Bed .. Bed !

So I have been listening to the many songs of J. Holiday and have come to really enjoy the track entitled "Bed". It is like one of them "at ease" or "hush and listen" type songs. Leads to me to think of when the last time someone actually put me to bed? Hmmm.....?

Truthfully though, when I think of this song, I think about just holding someone or even them holding me in a way of totally security. Beforehand, have candles burning on the sideline while receiving a full body massage with timely nibbles on the left ear. Feeling the warmth of ........
well you somewhat get a picture of what I am getting at.

Do we take things for granted? When is the last time true foreplay has led to sex. I am talking about when two people are feeling the mood and really into each other to a point where nothing else around them exists. Passionate kissing.....grabbing.....looks of sincerity.....where has it all gone. Is it that when we finally get what we want in life, do we take it for granted as if we never wanted or needed anything at all? For people have actually have a significant other, when is the last time you went out on an actual date? Do the "I love you's" simmer down? Do the quality time to engage in each other begin to diminish? Wait....let me go back to dating? Do people actually even date anymore or are we to the point where a first date involves sex on the first night. I ain't saying that sex is bad by all means, but damn I guess times change huh?

Questions demand answers as answers can create more questions

So I created a blog in hopes that people would read and reply in good faith and honesty. Being as though my first post, I will begin like this .... My life is full of questions where I find myself still looking for answers to. Why things happen to good people? Why people think the way they do sometimes? Why is love always complicated and even hard to find whether its family love or companion love? Why is it that it seems like when you answer one question that there are so many more? Who knows? ....

Well I didn't mean to make the last question an actual question, but the more I live, the more I seem to grow wise and full of wisdom. However, sometimes I still do not feel I've mastered this game of life. One step forward seems to bring me two steps back at times. Just when I think I am close to achieving that one thing I been wanting.....waiting patiently for.....the one thing then because further in reach and harder to acheive. Am I speaking on anything in particular? Maybe.....? The statement can apply to many things in my life and probably many other peoples lives. So I will end this first post with this in hope of response......Is it normal for people to feel this way and am I the only one that have questions like this?

Someone please feel me on this.......