Moment in Time

"If I could make time stand still, then I know we'd live this moment forever"

There have been many times that I thought that I could make time stand still. There have been many moments in my life where I wish I could stay in it forever. But time goes on. Things go forward and not backwards. That is one thing that I have to realize in this thing called life. I am not going to lie cause I get frustrated at the many ways that I had been treated in the past, but who am I to blame as when it comes to it I had a part to play. I accepted things that I should not have accepted, I allowed things that I should not have allowed, and in it all I become at fault as well. I became reflective again today and felt compelled to spill out thoughts in hopes of one day being appreciated and understood. But I guess I need to ask my self do I appreciate and understand myself?

and the answer.....

Of course I do! I do love myself and even though long ago I had low self esteem because of things that my family had put in my head, I know that I am a good attractive young man. Lately, I have been opening myself up to be appreciated, complimented, and approaching life different. It has been quite a journey. However, in the journey, I have realized the key is to truly learn from your experiences and you dont have to change your ideals and what you stand for. An ex of mines had apologized to me because they knew a lot of what they had done was wrong and it really screwed with me for a while. But the thing that really sunk in was that they said that I was a very attractive guy that has a lot going for them and one day I will not have to beg to be loved, cry for love, ask if someone loves me, because someone will show me those things without having to think and in return I will be able to provide them back. No longer will I shed tears for understand, to be heard, but in loving myself and being comfortable with being with myself and being patient......someone will come. Until then I will focus on those lost friendships that have a positive effect on life. I will focus on my career and my well-being to ensure that I am going forward in my life and not in the past. It is okay sometimes to cry and shed a tear for where you've been or what you have overcome. It should motivate you to move forward and appreciate where you are and where you desire to go or are going.

I can say that after where I have been and what all I have been through with each encounter being differrent than the last....I appreciate where I am right now. Even though I don't always understand why things happen, they all happen for a reason and I am prepared for the next obstacle, encounter, or "thing". I sit here in this moment and time and thing, "damn, I have come a long ways". I will be that diamond in the rough. Someone will get it one day.

Short but Sweet

I think lately there has started to become a shift in things as they pertain to myself. I have went through the rough times and perhaps there is light at the end of the tunnel. It has started with my career which I have started a new role that I really love. I mean there is a lot to it but it keeps me busy at work and on my toes.

As far as circle of friends, I have been rotating them in and out so to speak. I mean some people I have cut of purposely as they were not adding value to my life and some people have been re-established as I pushed people away when I was going through my stressful times. One thing I can say is that I have strengthened some relationships based on feedback of me needing to open up more to people. Also, allowing people to know more about who "David" is even if some of it left me a little bit vulnerable.

I feel lately I have been able to try to adjust to the changes in my life and start to travel again. Along the way I have been privileged to meet many new people that are playing a role in my life as new acquaintances and potential new friends. I think as far as love interest, I still have a long time before I should even desire someone to get close to me. Not because I am not ready but because I need time to breathe. Dating is possible, but relationship at this time is not site. I will still be me and never lose my values, but I also will allow someone to show me their true self and if they are really into me then they will put in the time and effort to date and know me....Even if for 2 years j/k.

It was Valentines Day and it appears to have been a regular day, but truthful everyday should be Valentines Day not just one day to go overboard to show someone you love them. Hopefully one day I will be able to again show someone unconditional love and receive it back.

On that note I am going to bed. Good ghost readers!

Is Anyone Listening? Part 2

Here goes with the part 2. My feelings right now are so mixed. My relationship ended a while back. So lets briefly recap this year as far as how I got to this point.

Entered a relationship in the February time frame. Yes it was someone that I felt that could have possibly been a soulmate. Friends for a while and something that was tried a few years previous. I thought we had grown and had more of an understanding of each other. Everything did feel right and maybe it went faster than expected to go from one relationship to enter dating and another one but don't judge me. I usually act on my heart and try to act on gut than anything else. I refuse to change how I feel and also to stop being the heart felt person and generous person just because of a bad apple or experience.

Nonetheless, we dated and started to become reacquainted. Everything started to feel right. We went places, we exchanged gifts, we kissed, we held and we would make out. The reason this had ended previously was because the person didnt have time or I felt like the person did not have time for me. The job seemed to take priority over the relationship in my eyes and to me action speaks volumes as opposed to saying words all the time. So in this relationship there seemed to be a lot of lingering issues formed from things that did not need to be. One being a trust issue that needed to be dealt with and resentment from a failed relationship in the past. I guess maybe I should have took those as signs of what was yet to come. I have never been in a relationship where there was a lack of intimacy or a sexless relationship. I always wondered if it was me, my gut tells me it was partially me. Why was it so, because as much as two people can say they love each other, does not necessarily mean they are meant to be together is what I have learned from this. For me and just for me, a relationship has to have a balance of the emotional, mental, physical, and sexual. If one of those are not being met then it becomes a problem. A need is not being met. In this relationship it started off as a sexual issue. The person I was with could not have sex with me. I was not excitable enough to make things happen. Let's dig deeper. If a person, really wants to make you happy and see you feeling down.... then they will do what it takes to fix the situation. They will not watch you suffer internally. I am not saying that this individual watched me suffer on person, but I thought it was something I could deal with with a smile. I thought it would be temporary. Now if you have been keeping up in my blog from the start you will see there has been some struggles I have dealt with regarding neglect, abandoned, and just with people not understanding the needs of myself. Now I am not going to say I am a saint and perfect by any means, but if I know that something is bothering someone or that I am not meeting the needs of someone....I will do what it takes to fix that and make the sacrifices to correct that situation as I would expect the same. I feel like I was sexually deprived and in a relationship that lacked intimacy from the point that I was not enough to make this person see me as important to fix and address the situation. Now I know sometimes people deal with things at their own time but when you are in a relationship, what affects you affects the BOTH of you. I was truly affect by the lack of intimacy. I did not feel important because there was not a push to change. I just am use to when people say they are affected by ones action or something is bothering them, that someone would listen and make the change to fix the situation. Maybe not fix but acknowledge and start a plan to remedy the situation. You know if a baby cries and you never see what the matter is, the baby will continue to cry and grow up feeling neglected because they were never tended to. I felt like I wasnt being heard. Like I waved my hand in the air saying I need you I need this aspect of you, but was being ignored. I just wanted to be a team and if there is a medical issue lets tackle it, if it is something that I need to do differently, tell me what that is and I can fix it. Instead it was a struggle trying to get to root and to this day I will never know what the root is.

Let's delve deeper into my thoughts regarding this. You have two people that love one another and have no problem verbally expressing this. However, in an intimte setting, there is not much expression of love. There is hugging and holding at night. What went from masterbation with one another went to just waking up and going to work and coming home hugging and sitting on the couch or cooking and then the day rinse and repeat. No love making at night. The attempts I made to do so were rejected by not feeling it, tired, or its too early in the morning. I felt rejected at that point. Why should I continue to try if I keep being pushed away. But what or how should you feel if the person was flirting with other indivuduals or masterbating without you being around. Looking at flicks to gain self pleasure instead of pleasing their partner. What was the driving force that allowed this individual to get excited to watching men have sex or the thrill of talking to someone that is not even in reach when you had someone right there in the same house that wanted to provide and give you the same type of love sexually. I didn't understand it because it didnt make sense. I could only base my conclusions off things I visually seen and by action. There was not an explainable reason and when I opened up and asked I always got "it isnt me, it isnt always about me". True enough but then what was it about. If you know it isnt me or about me then how do you know if you cant even explain your actions or behavior or why you do the things you do? Well, I tried to communicate and come up with things or ways to address the situation such as seeking a doctor, medicine, therapy. However, at the very beginning I received so much flack and resistance for being caring as if I was expecting to get person gain or happiness by this. I thought that if two people love each other and one person is not receiving the needs of the other, that you are suppose to voice those needs and respond and act. I thought as a team we would make better by talking to a doctor, but I came off forceful by pushing the issue of seeking a doctor.I will admit I was wrong for calling the doctor and having them run addition tests. There are a lot of things I could have approached differently but when you feel that you are being deprived of things that should be natural or you deserve sometimes you just want things to be in motion or addressed. I felt things were being avoided to make the situation comfortable but I was not. I was feeling sexually deprived afterwhile. Things that was found out that it was partially medically as levels were low. Along with that there were other things health wise such as blood pressure and diabetes that was not under control. You would think that if things like this were being said then it would not be a question of getting these things in check to better the relationship, but things actually went in the opposite direction. Things were being left unaddressed due to their job which they began to excel in. There just appeared to be as if we started to become on two different planes. One relationship driven and the other career driven.

I will never get or understand what the underlying force was that caused such a big drift in the relationship but there may be things that I will never understand. But I do understand this, I am not sure if there really is a true blame to why or what caused things to end like they did. I can say that I still care and however it is hard to look and deal with this individual due to feelings but I am accepting. I am not mad at the outcome of the situation, but I will I coulduve read the signs earlier for myself. I feel like I deprived myself from basic needs that I should have had consistently. You should never have to continually ask for needs to be met and even if you make clear that "this is what I need" and the person cannot fulfill them then it does not necessarily mean that that person is a bad person but that person may not be compatible with you to understand how to meet your needs. It is not rocket science. It is a connection that should be established that if a person is crying for you, you will find out what is wrong and make them smile again. If intimacy is an issue, then something will be done to correct that. More kissing, more holding, more romancing, taking that extra step to address and make you feel important and number one. I understand that when you truly find that one that you truly are in love with, you do things that you would not normally do. You step out of the comfort zone not feeling forced but because you aim to please that individual. Things are not done by force but out of love. There never becomes a question of "do you love me" or "do you still care about me" because it becomes evident through not only words but the actions of the individual and the heart. You never have to second guess a persons love because it will show and be there in actions. You never should feel like your second or third to anything because you begin to become a priority once that bond is formed. It is a bond that cannot be broken when it becomes so heart tight and locked. I see and understand this now. I have said previously, people are put in your life for a reason and not always mean to be therefore forever. Some a season, some a month, some a year, and some just a little while. This is to learn the lessons of life to be equiped to move forward. And even though somtimes it may be hard to understand this concept of life and why some people are put there, it is something you have to quickly learn and adapt else you end up in complicated situations that are unnecessary emotional, mentally, and unfortunately physically.

I am learning that there is no blame to why the situation ended how it did, but we were two people who cared about each other but were at two different places in their life and defined relationships in two different ways. Not wrong but that person was not for me or not the person to meet my needs or could understand how to meet my needs and I was not the person that could make them treat me how I needed to be treated. We will learn for this and eventually run into that person that makes us feel special. Make us feel rejuvenated and brand new, Make us feel how we want to feel and treat us how we want to be treated. My needs will be met without having to beg and cry for it. I love myself and I am sure someone out there will see my heart and love me as well the way I need to be loved in such a relationship. I am also sure that I will run across someone that I will touch and make feel like they have never felt before. I am being hopeful, trying to remain prayerful, and being positive. In it all, I hope someone is listening.

Is Anyone Listening? Part1

I didn't know how to start this entry off. I had been meaning to write several in the interim period but lost the password. There is so much to share with so many characters, letters, words to express it in. So this might be a long post. I will split into two post this being the more positive spin.

This is the end of 2012 now and 2013 should bring new times, new start, and new beginnings. Let's start with the good. I have become more open and more communicative as a person. Yes indeed. The fear of accepting and being who I am is started to finally wear off as I accept and come into my own. I am a gay black male. I don't necessarily need to flaunt it or be flamboyant about it but it is who I am. At one point, I have to admit I was totally not proud of it and ashamed as to completely hide me. I still am a work in progress. I came out to one of my co workers whom I hadnt quite defined as a friend. I sat down and instead of being on the defense of hiding myself I decided to do the opposite and face it head on. I told him to ask what he been wanting to ask me........speak your mind. I felt that some co workers were causing me to be uncomfortable, you know, always trying to hook you up with a woman....checking your facebook statuses, questioning why your single. Just gets annoying after a while and feels like your hiding self, running from people, and just not really living life or enjoying life how it is meant to be enjoyed. The conversation went quite well and even though I know this individual does not quite understand the lifestyle and struggles especially as a black gay male, it allowed me to yet open up to an individual and allow them to like me for me not for a face or a persona that I was putting up. I want to be liked for me and accepted for being myself not what society or what my moms or anyone wants or expects me to be.

Another good thing that happened this year is that I finally made it into the career path that I wanted to be in for over three years. Again, I allowed people to dictate what I should do with my career at work and tell me how I should not and how I would be going backwards somewhat. I am not in project management! I was a developer for 6 years but that is not fully the type of work that was being asked of me. I did development, mentored many, and managed projects. I spoke to customers on daily and did presentations to either influence and/or persuade specific outcomes in my favor. Now I get to be in a role that allows me to do this going forward. It is part of the master plan of getting an MBA and going into management eventually as soon as I gain direct skills in this career path official. No more pseudo developer / project manager.

Before I start on the next post that will be more heartfelt and deep, I will say this has been an interesting year. From the beginning to the very end. I cannot look at this year as a loss for me because I am still here and I feel that in a sense despite all that I went through, all that I dealt with, I feel that I still have grown. I still had wins. The career, the learning about myself and becoming a stronger individual, the communication to my co workers or coming out, and moreso managing and dealing with family stress. Family is still big to me as it always will be but I have to form my own family and my own positive environment. That will be my next focus. Now I will take a deep dive into the opportunistic parts of my life in the follow up post.

Passion or Patience

Just real quick. Sometimes I feel so anxious. I wish someone could relate and just let me know that it is just patience that I need to keep moving! I sometimes feel alone in myself because sexually I am yearning for that passion and love making to get me through. No sex is not the main feature of a relationship but it is an aspect or component to show another individual how much you care and adore them. It is a moment to share not on your body but your soul. Emotions come out in ways that are unparalleled to other encounters outside of the bedroom. I so miss that feeling and sometimes feel empty in it, but it is patience that working on. I just feel there is so much I have to offer and just want to openly be able to share myself in that respect. Is that too much? Am I wrong for feeling that? I don't believe so. Can sex overcome love or love overcome sex or is there a balance?

How I long for the passion? The flirtatious vibe that it is about to go down. The moments unexpected to be whisked away by passion and by love in its greatest form. Hopeless romantic? Nah. What do you do when everything else is balanced and one thing is lacking? Sometimes I become so confused because to be in love and to have everything else in place is there always suppose to be that one thing left to work on? But it is patience, patience overcomes sex. Love conquers all. I know it does. It just has too.

Sometimes I watch movies, programs, sitcoms, and see public affection. How should I feel? I wish sometimes I could be that person getting the sexual attention, the flirtatious eyes, the passionate kiss, and grope to follow. Led into the bedroom with candles and soft music playing and not fucked with but made love to in all the ways that can be thought of. The ideal scenario in the most subtle way. I do not feel there is nothing wrong with hoping, wanting, and wishing. But for right now I will be patient.

Dusting Off the Blog with Another Sad Love Song

So I am writing this post as I return to the blogging world to let out my freedom of speech. Right now so many things have happened in since the last post that I am surprised that I am even still sitting here able to type.

Well, yet again since the last time when I thought I had reached a point of where things were turning around. I was let down yet again by a person that shall remain unnamed. However, it hurt me to find out the things I did. How can you claim to say you care and love someone......claim to protect and be there.....yet you are the person that does more damage than anything that could have been imagined.

Yep, yet again, love has played me for the fool that I seem to have trended to become. No, but truthfully I put myself out there for yet another to have the desire of having those feelings completely reciprocated. But I found out that the 2 years were nothing but lies and deceit. To have not only been cheating on, but cheating on from day one. Used to the degree that I was depleted emotionally, financially, and partially mentally. I never seen it coming. I was blinded by what I thought love could provide which was the nurturing comfort, the warm embrace, the honest truth of words, the realness and sincerity that I thought was there was the mask for all the lies, pain that I would see, and the hurt and tears that I would have to face. Even though that chapter has come and gone, not even a truly sincere apology or full truth for the matter has surfaced. Just another emotional scar to add to the rest in my past.

I would have to say that no one prepared me for anything like this. I was never guided to know that people could be so cruel or so mean to you. To be kindhearted in this world is like throwing a nice piece of meat to a pack of wolves. People are ready to take what they can from you not to even care about the long term damage or how something can really affect someone.

I am fine now, but so aware and conscious of my surrounding. I am so guarded by people and things. I just don't think I can deal with another sad love song.

Let Me Be My Motivation

GO GO GO GO.....


Yep, I still write when I can. Is there an app on the iPhone to do this on the go?

Anyways, all is okay. I would say "well", but I have run into some things I would like to do. One main goal is to get my "happy" back. Lately, I have been up and down due to different frustrations. One thing I am trying to do is try to find another job in my line of work, IT. I think I have gained enough knowledge in my current job to take things to the next level. I want to venture out and do something a little different.

Another thing I am entertaining is moving to a different location. I am a city boy and from up North. I seen what the South has had to offer. Even though it is not a bad place, and a nice area for family living.....I just would rather be in an established metropolitan area since I do not have a family yet.

I have also been working on wrapping up a masters degree and also trying to study for a PMP (project management professional) test to get my certification in that area.

I think maybe I have too many focuses at once and since I am trying to accomplish all....I am experiencing frustration. I really have been shooting for a new job but I haven't been provided yet with a good offer. I know my resumes are on point since I do have two as well. I don't know I am starting to think maybe I am focusing on the right thing or is this a test of patience?

Things at work have been stressful but by no means am I just sitting back letting things fall. I have been proactive in getting things to happen and making things happen. I been internally interviewing with people and making new connections in order to change my situation.

I had always been told to "either change my situation or change my situation". Makes sense when you look into what that means. So I have been on my grind, but I am trying to remain prayerful for change. It is so hard when more than enough things are happening around you that you can't quite control. I am trying to stay strong but I need some motivation.